i hear the universe in my sleep...

Okay so I wrote that last post and now finally feel as if I can calm down from the day. The boss is out to lunch and wont’ be back for literally hours, I have my jasmine green tea and some wonderful beer bread I made this morning after putting up my study course posters in my old high school and before coming to work, and I have some thoughts in my head. First of all, let me proclaim the wonderfulness that is the oncoming of Autumn. This is the second day – right on time – of the soft, crisp cooler weather that makes one excited to go back to school, to be productive, to wear woolen sweaters and sip tea after a full day. It is the perfect temperature to identify every smell you pass, when you breathe it deeply in and feel the edge of the day in your lungs. This weather makes me anxious to do things.

One of many conversations that occurred around me at the Raw Food Festival was between the dread-haired, tall and muscular, scantily clad woman in charge of the Sacred Exercise facilities and the small blonde energy healer in charge of registration. The Tall one has been migrating every six months between Florida and Baltimore for the past two years, unable to get away from both, but finally deciding that Florida is where her Thai Massage practice will better flourish. She described Baltimore as like “going back to an ex boyfriend that you know is bad for you but you still have the hots for”, not like she has ever done that before or anything. The small blonde kept saying that the universe wants to give you a million dollars, you just have to listen to it and the universe will plan everything for you. Too many people, apparently, think they have the power to plan their own lives. The tall one agreed, but then explained that she had to figure out what to do with her cats, and how she was going to get home. The small blonde answered “NO! That’s what the universe figures out for you!”.


I have been reading Crime and Punishment (why in the world delve into more Dostoevsky? Because he’s great right before bedtime – he puts me to sleep with a story), and came up on the main character’s thoughts about crime, which are aptly applied to life, this morning. He realized that it is usually when one does not have a fervent belief in the actuality of an activity that it falls through and fails. Thieves leave clues to their discovery and make mistakes because they do not actually have full faith that they are committing the crime. As long as one truly believes you are going through with something, all the details are taken care of because you have the attention and foresight to take into account all possibilities. Without this commitment, you cannot identify where a possible fault may intrude on the success of the action. Make sense? If you believe something will happen, you are taking the most important step in ensuring its success.

The boy called last night with a rave review of the book “The Four Day Workweek” that he has been listening to on audio book on his way to Colorado. This is the type of motivational book that I have been reading for a year or so now, except without actually reading this one. It is the type that gives you tips to apply to your life for efficiency, tips to help you identify your dreams, and reminders of how to orient yourself to success (if I may use that phrase without irony). They are powerful books and inspiring, leaving you with a refreshed look at what you do and how much time you actually spend dicking around and doing useless things all day. It makes you want to spend all your time listening to powerful podcasts and audio books instead of wasting your time with music on your way to work, and throwing out your television so you can spend more time writing and reading motivational books about how to spend more time writing and reading motivational books etc. It is the type that makes you look at your job and realize what you hate about it. It is the type of book that makes you look at your life to discover what you really want to do.

I am very happy he was excited about this book, because it got him excited to figure out what he wants to do. He encouraged me to read it, but not for some time because it might make me upset about my job and anxious to go to Chile. I am very happy he is concerned over whether I will hate my job and be anxious to go to Chile. The truth is that is already pretty true. But also not true. Although I “waste” a lot of time while I am here, I am at my job not to learn some new skill, not because I am working on a major project that I am passionate about while I am here, not to necessarily learn a whole new trade, but simply I am here to be here. I am here to have this job on my resume and so I can be in the atmosphere of a firm, both requirements of which are completely satisfied just by showing up at work. In fact, the more time I “waste” at work, by not having other tasks to do, the more time I spend successfully accomplishing personal goals such as submitting my poetry to online journals, or, let’s say, blogging. It is not a job that I can do from home, nor is it a job that I have any maneuverability around. It is necessary, I am here, and I necessarily will be here until my time is up.

Now when I was at Touchstones it was quite different. I was writing grants and could do that from anywhere. I made my own hours around a rough template of a 9-5, and had the freedom to work from a coffee shop. This is when I started reading all those motivational books and when I got really frustrated with what I was doing. This stuff was useless, the office was boring, I was not satisfied. So I totally get what the boy is communicating. And I am glad, because maybe he can make some major changes towards “satisfaction in the work place”.

Okay, so all of this has a point. First of all, it seems as if there are several steps towards being in the ideal work environment that are similar from all of these books, and from the past few experiences that I have enumerated here. They are something like this: You must realize that there is someplace that is perfect for you, that will make you the happiest you can be. This does not mean identify it, but just to realize that that place and job exists. You have to acknowledge that if you are open to it, it will happen to you unless you deliberately put roadblocks in front of you by trying to go against time. You have to revoke responsibility for getting there, and you must truly believe it will happen, as per Crime and Punishment. Ok, here is where a major issue happens – The small blonde would say that the next step is taken care of by the universe as well, but the motivational books would say that here is where you step in and deliberately make plans to change your life towards the better. I am somewhat in the camp of the motivational books.

Now I guess the summary of all of this is, the world is telling me to slow down and take a long hard look at my life. I am not terribly excited about this, I think I would prefer to keep on trucking along and focusing on my diet and exercise, which is part of it. But I believe this is one of those points where I am supposed to be really open to the universe, even if all the universe is telling me is that I should listen to it.