I am becoming so tired of these self-searching questions, the interior focus of youth and boredom. Perhaps it is because I have hit a rock and see these questions as unanswerable for the time being and the pressing forward on the boulder is exhausting. Why is a search for passion so important? Why do I feel these questions following me around like lost puppies long after I have left them at the corner and told them to stay?
The search for our passions, maybe, is the search for the motivator, the self’s Prime Mover, our own personal God-of-the-small-life. We must see those that have identified their passion as somehow more peaceful and happier, that our seeking will be rewarded in an earthly heaven. But maybe it is because we see those that have identified their passion as productive, as somehow fundamentally more effective in their living, contributing instead of wandering. Maybe this search for my passion is haunting me now because I feel so useless, a drain on the social machine. The one answer I am so tired of searching for may be clarifying the one question I have yet to ask. Clearly it is not here yet.
I watched a movie today, entitled “All in This Tea” produced by flower films. It documents the beginning of the importation of organic tea from China by David Lee Hoffman in the early 1990’s. There is much talk of the ‘experience’ of drinking tea and of all the memories and tastes it recalls. Just a simple reminder to value simplicity.
for days that seem like dreams are often the sweetest reality...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Land Boat Press Release
What is Land Boat?
Land Boat is a writer/photographer team from Maryland on a Westward quest to find the American Dream. Matt Crooks and Annelies de Groot grew up on the water and are taking their live aboard knowledge to the road in a restored vintage travel trailer. They are spending at least the beginning of 2011 searching for the history, source and modern remodels of the classic American Dream theory.
The Trailer
The actual Land Boat is a 1973 Yellowstone travel trailer, 17 feet in length and several months in remodel. Matt and Annelies have documented the restoration on their blog at landboat.com. The interior has been restored and painted with a minimalist aesthetic and a boater’s needs, with a table that can be lowered into a second bed for visitors, bolted appliances, storage in every angle and no more aboard than necessary.
The People
Matt Crooks is a 2006 graduate of the Hallmark School of Photography. His style is pointed and active. His photos show you the inner focus of the skier mid-air, the childlike joy of the snowboarder at the peak of the pipe, and the deep creative attention of the woodworker. Matt knows how things work. He improves his environment with anything available, a creative knowledge he was born with and developed through taking everything apart. His varied jobs at a bronze foundry, a wooden boat shop, a mountain resort and in construction have taken this knowledge of functionality and focused it in on formation. He knows not only how something functions but what these functions can become. Matt’s skills in hacking objects, in pinpointing the usefulness of things, come from a deep awareness of an object’s potential and its components. This viewpoint of improvement and motion lend his photography an arresting dichotomy of intense peace among chaos, highlighting the one critical moment of stillness. The arena becomes a disaster zone, the winter beach a canvas for the surfer, and the a routine trick transforms into a performance in Matt’s photos. You can see his work at crooksphotography.com
Annelies de Groot has a BA in Liberal Arts from St. John’s College in Annapolis, MD. This great books, seminar style education has infused her writing with an institution of linear progress, researched background and depth in simplicity. Work in educational and environmental nonprofits, international law, health industry and sail making edge the intellectual academic mindset with a practical and experiential focus. Annelies’ successful writing history includes green living articles in local papers, grant awards for nonprofits, website and textbook content, speeches and health advice columns.
The Trip
Starting out from Maryland on the first week of January, Land Boat will head West. The rough plan reads counter clockwise around the country, chasing the winter. Hopping from family member to friend to campsite, Matt and Annelies will live out of the trailer and live in to their unexplored horizons of mountains, prairies and coastlines. Matt has taken several cross country road trips previously, but Annelies has little on-the-road experience. They will take turns pointing out to each other their favorite locations on the continent while visiting pertinent settings for the American Dream.
The Theory
The term “the American Dream” is a relatively new one, coined in1932. It refers to the dream of a citizen to work hard and provide a house and an opportunity to his children. However, the foundations of this concept are rooted long before the Great Depression. In fact, the entire nation is founded on these principles of freedom for change and a fight for financial stability. Combined with the romantic Western movement new iterations of those fundamental principles can be seen again and again. Colonists, Frontiersman, Gold Rushers, Hippies, the Tech Savvy, all have made their way to the sunset for another chance to live their life the way they want to. But has this changed? The new media claims the “American Dream” is dead. Is this simply because this recession has highlighted our inability to achieve financial stability? Is it because the “dream” of owning a house is now farther away than ever for most?
The new wave of organic, health-focused, minimalist lifestyles rings true to Matt and Annelies both in their values and in their quest for understanding the American Dream. Perhaps having lost sight of financial stability and social freedom in favor of excess and correctness our nation is fighting back. What do you think? Over the course of the trip the pair will be interviewing a series of people including those who have deeply inspired them with their well-known success and those who are deeply inspiring them with their quiet every day victories. A series of photo essays and analytical articles will appear on the Land Boat blog to illustrate with whom and where the American Dream is found.
Please send us an e-mail if you are interested in Land Boat. Send us your questions and suggestions to matt@landboat.com or annelies@landboat.com
Land Boat is a writer/photographer team from Maryland on a Westward quest to find the American Dream. Matt Crooks and Annelies de Groot grew up on the water and are taking their live aboard knowledge to the road in a restored vintage travel trailer. They are spending at least the beginning of 2011 searching for the history, source and modern remodels of the classic American Dream theory.
The Trailer
The actual Land Boat is a 1973 Yellowstone travel trailer, 17 feet in length and several months in remodel. Matt and Annelies have documented the restoration on their blog at landboat.com. The interior has been restored and painted with a minimalist aesthetic and a boater’s needs, with a table that can be lowered into a second bed for visitors, bolted appliances, storage in every angle and no more aboard than necessary.
The People
Matt Crooks is a 2006 graduate of the Hallmark School of Photography. His style is pointed and active. His photos show you the inner focus of the skier mid-air, the childlike joy of the snowboarder at the peak of the pipe, and the deep creative attention of the woodworker. Matt knows how things work. He improves his environment with anything available, a creative knowledge he was born with and developed through taking everything apart. His varied jobs at a bronze foundry, a wooden boat shop, a mountain resort and in construction have taken this knowledge of functionality and focused it in on formation. He knows not only how something functions but what these functions can become. Matt’s skills in hacking objects, in pinpointing the usefulness of things, come from a deep awareness of an object’s potential and its components. This viewpoint of improvement and motion lend his photography an arresting dichotomy of intense peace among chaos, highlighting the one critical moment of stillness. The arena becomes a disaster zone, the winter beach a canvas for the surfer, and the a routine trick transforms into a performance in Matt’s photos. You can see his work at crooksphotography.com
Annelies de Groot has a BA in Liberal Arts from St. John’s College in Annapolis, MD. This great books, seminar style education has infused her writing with an institution of linear progress, researched background and depth in simplicity. Work in educational and environmental nonprofits, international law, health industry and sail making edge the intellectual academic mindset with a practical and experiential focus. Annelies’ successful writing history includes green living articles in local papers, grant awards for nonprofits, website and textbook content, speeches and health advice columns.
The Trip
Starting out from Maryland on the first week of January, Land Boat will head West. The rough plan reads counter clockwise around the country, chasing the winter. Hopping from family member to friend to campsite, Matt and Annelies will live out of the trailer and live in to their unexplored horizons of mountains, prairies and coastlines. Matt has taken several cross country road trips previously, but Annelies has little on-the-road experience. They will take turns pointing out to each other their favorite locations on the continent while visiting pertinent settings for the American Dream.
The Theory
The term “the American Dream” is a relatively new one, coined in1932. It refers to the dream of a citizen to work hard and provide a house and an opportunity to his children. However, the foundations of this concept are rooted long before the Great Depression. In fact, the entire nation is founded on these principles of freedom for change and a fight for financial stability. Combined with the romantic Western movement new iterations of those fundamental principles can be seen again and again. Colonists, Frontiersman, Gold Rushers, Hippies, the Tech Savvy, all have made their way to the sunset for another chance to live their life the way they want to. But has this changed? The new media claims the “American Dream” is dead. Is this simply because this recession has highlighted our inability to achieve financial stability? Is it because the “dream” of owning a house is now farther away than ever for most?
The new wave of organic, health-focused, minimalist lifestyles rings true to Matt and Annelies both in their values and in their quest for understanding the American Dream. Perhaps having lost sight of financial stability and social freedom in favor of excess and correctness our nation is fighting back. What do you think? Over the course of the trip the pair will be interviewing a series of people including those who have deeply inspired them with their well-known success and those who are deeply inspiring them with their quiet every day victories. A series of photo essays and analytical articles will appear on the Land Boat blog to illustrate with whom and where the American Dream is found.
Please send us an e-mail if you are interested in Land Boat. Send us your questions and suggestions to matt@landboat.com or annelies@landboat.com
Passion
I have a friend, in her late fifties, who has recently stumbled upon the conundrum of passion. Realizing that while there are many things she excels at, and much she enjoys doing, there is nothing that she could drop everything to pursue full time. She has a career, which blossomed out of a job, which she does not love.
I have read quite a few life-hacking books that teach you how to maximize your results and enjoy life, essentially. They all explain how to make a living off of your passion. However, nobody has yet told me how to find my passion in the first place. A few of them suggest exercises, such as “make a list of everything you have ever been good at or enjoyed doing in your life, including when you were a child”, or “think about what you would do if you could do anything in the world”. Neither is helpful. I too am still passionless.
Or am I? How can I find my passion if I am still unclear as to what it is. I am told that passion is the one thing you would do above all else. Well, that makes those tips above even more redundant – how can I find the one thing I would do above all else if the way to find it is to think of that thing? Circular logic, this. Must I be talented at my passion? Is it truly a passion if I cannot recognize it? I am also told that it is the one activity that makes you happiest when doing it. Well, then I must not need to be very good at it as most things I really enjoy doing I am not that skilled at. So how am I supposed to make money off of doing something I am not very good at?
What’s the importance of finding your passion anyway? Why is it so heartbreaking that, at fifty-something, my friend cannot recognize hers? Perhaps we feel true belonging not to a loved one or any result, but to the activity of passion. We are truly one with ourselves when exercising this activity, when performing in these great strides of humanity.
I have read quite a few life-hacking books that teach you how to maximize your results and enjoy life, essentially. They all explain how to make a living off of your passion. However, nobody has yet told me how to find my passion in the first place. A few of them suggest exercises, such as “make a list of everything you have ever been good at or enjoyed doing in your life, including when you were a child”, or “think about what you would do if you could do anything in the world”. Neither is helpful. I too am still passionless.
Or am I? How can I find my passion if I am still unclear as to what it is. I am told that passion is the one thing you would do above all else. Well, that makes those tips above even more redundant – how can I find the one thing I would do above all else if the way to find it is to think of that thing? Circular logic, this. Must I be talented at my passion? Is it truly a passion if I cannot recognize it? I am also told that it is the one activity that makes you happiest when doing it. Well, then I must not need to be very good at it as most things I really enjoy doing I am not that skilled at. So how am I supposed to make money off of doing something I am not very good at?
What’s the importance of finding your passion anyway? Why is it so heartbreaking that, at fifty-something, my friend cannot recognize hers? Perhaps we feel true belonging not to a loved one or any result, but to the activity of passion. We are truly one with ourselves when exercising this activity, when performing in these great strides of humanity.
October 5, 2010
A few weeks ago I made friends with a bartender at a slow cocktail bar in a bowling alley. He mixed me a great martini and we chatted about school, careers, psychology. This led to a chat about our alcoholic fathers, our siblings – his sister is starting up a clinic for kids like my brother. We chatted about the work I was doing, the book I was writing, the trip I was taking.
I ran into him again tonight and we began the same chat until I used one different word. The “I “of my adventures became a “we” and the addition of one person somehow made his gaze unnecessary – to him solely of course. Funny how after adding one to “I” to create “we”, I am left alone – somehow the plurality of self can be the least welcoming and therefore the loneliest math. There was no untruth to “I”. There is greater truth in “we”.
I wrote a how-to article on the year long care of poinsettia plants, which need fourteen hours of cool darkness for seven weeks in order to bloom its bright red flowers. This somehow proves the theory that children spend much more time at home; grow closer to their parents, just before growing up and changing measurable amount. Perhaps we all need darkness, and cool, to flower.
A few weeks ago I made friends with a bartender at a slow cocktail bar in a bowling alley. He mixed me a great martini and we chatted about school, careers, psychology. This led to a chat about our alcoholic fathers, our siblings – his sister is starting up a clinic for kids like my brother. We chatted about the work I was doing, the book I was writing, the trip I was taking.
I ran into him again tonight and we began the same chat until I used one different word. The “I “of my adventures became a “we” and the addition of one person somehow made his gaze unnecessary – to him solely of course. Funny how after adding one to “I” to create “we”, I am left alone – somehow the plurality of self can be the least welcoming and therefore the loneliest math. There was no untruth to “I”. There is greater truth in “we”.
I wrote a how-to article on the year long care of poinsettia plants, which need fourteen hours of cool darkness for seven weeks in order to bloom its bright red flowers. This somehow proves the theory that children spend much more time at home; grow closer to their parents, just before growing up and changing measurable amount. Perhaps we all need darkness, and cool, to flower.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Entering this century
I have recently entered the 21st century - and by recently I mean today.
Let me explain. I have been using for the past six years the same apple powerbook, which I am terribly attached to. The thing is like an old dog - slow and loyal and been with me through it all. However it is an old dog with alzhiemer's. It has started to delete its own files and the memory size - I kid you not - is the same size as my ipod. Along with this old retriever my telephone is a four year old, much dropped, no longer produced machine whose power charger stopped working this morning. My plan was to upgrade the phone when my contract expired - in three weeks. NO WAY am I paying $30 for a charger for an old phone I no longer want.
Lately I have been making some side money freelance writing. I do this while I am at work and there is nothing left to do, so its all been pretty entertaining. However I cannot type documents on my ancient apple.
So I find myself right now sitting in front of the naptown whole foods, typing this post on a brand new tiny internet machine netbook, with a brand new tiny smart phone with the label "palm" and a touch screen that acts like an iphone sitting next to me. I can receive picture messages! I can write documents on a computer! I can sit and use the computer for more than ten minutes without recharging! I can interact with people as if its - dear lord - two thousand and ten years after the new era!
ZZZZomg right?
On another note - i'm out of shape. getting back into it's a bitch. gotta love those tight zippers on new identities!
Let me explain. I have been using for the past six years the same apple powerbook, which I am terribly attached to. The thing is like an old dog - slow and loyal and been with me through it all. However it is an old dog with alzhiemer's. It has started to delete its own files and the memory size - I kid you not - is the same size as my ipod. Along with this old retriever my telephone is a four year old, much dropped, no longer produced machine whose power charger stopped working this morning. My plan was to upgrade the phone when my contract expired - in three weeks. NO WAY am I paying $30 for a charger for an old phone I no longer want.
Lately I have been making some side money freelance writing. I do this while I am at work and there is nothing left to do, so its all been pretty entertaining. However I cannot type documents on my ancient apple.
So I find myself right now sitting in front of the naptown whole foods, typing this post on a brand new tiny internet machine netbook, with a brand new tiny smart phone with the label "palm" and a touch screen that acts like an iphone sitting next to me. I can receive picture messages! I can write documents on a computer! I can sit and use the computer for more than ten minutes without recharging! I can interact with people as if its - dear lord - two thousand and ten years after the new era!
ZZZZomg right?
On another note - i'm out of shape. getting back into it's a bitch. gotta love those tight zippers on new identities!
Land Boat
Friends - new website
www.landboat.com
and new blog
www.landboatblog.blogspot.com
Follow the adventure!
xxox
www.landboat.com
and new blog
www.landboatblog.blogspot.com
Follow the adventure!
xxox
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
World Vacation
Dear World,
I have taken a vacation from you. It is not over. Unfortunately, this does not mean that I get to sit poolside with a drink and re-charge. In fact, I spend my days in front of a screen more than ever. Having read the internet entirely, I am now seeking advice from my brother about entertainment online, which has led me to a variety of terribly addictive and carpal-tunnel inducing games. I am completely caught up on all available shows and have not moved in a productive way in weeks. That's not true. I went for a walk with a friend last week.
The boyfriend is off on the other coast for a while so my impetus for finding interesting things to talk about has waned. I am desperately seeking motivation to work out, as I do believe my doctor is about to prescribe weight loss. Between she and my dentist I am not allowed any fun at all - no booze, no fags, no sugar, no salt and more veggies and fruit and more exercise. Boring.
That being said, I am clearly taking a break. Bare with me. I am acquiring devices to re-engage with life as we speak.
Thanks or whatever,
Annelies
I have taken a vacation from you. It is not over. Unfortunately, this does not mean that I get to sit poolside with a drink and re-charge. In fact, I spend my days in front of a screen more than ever. Having read the internet entirely, I am now seeking advice from my brother about entertainment online, which has led me to a variety of terribly addictive and carpal-tunnel inducing games. I am completely caught up on all available shows and have not moved in a productive way in weeks. That's not true. I went for a walk with a friend last week.
The boyfriend is off on the other coast for a while so my impetus for finding interesting things to talk about has waned. I am desperately seeking motivation to work out, as I do believe my doctor is about to prescribe weight loss. Between she and my dentist I am not allowed any fun at all - no booze, no fags, no sugar, no salt and more veggies and fruit and more exercise. Boring.
That being said, I am clearly taking a break. Bare with me. I am acquiring devices to re-engage with life as we speak.
Thanks or whatever,
Annelies
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Reconstruction
I have heard it said that “If you do not stand for something, you fall for everything.”
Last night I had a dream where I was sitting on a rug, presumably babysitting some small children. In front of me was a group of plastic toys, all broken. I was taking them apart, piece by piece, and it was utterly imperative that I handle and feel each plastic primary-colored piece.
My mother said on the ride to work this morning that perhaps this is because I am handling my life exactly how I handled those broken toys. I have separate parts of my life that are each not whole, not fully planned. And each plan, each possibility I take apart piece by piece and feel it out – the rough edges, the smooth surfaces, the weight and how it fits into the rest of the plan.
I read this article today by Kelly Grey: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/08/the-downside-to-down-dog-by-kelly-grey/ that ends with the questions ‘ “ “What is yoga?” I believe the more appropriate question is what is your heart? Your voice? Your essence? What is your love, your deepest most personal truth?’. The article makes the point that anything you follow is nothing at all unless it is the answer to those questions.
I know nothing of what my life is. I know I am bored at this job. I know I am in love. I know I enjoy my family’s company and that when I am bored I struggle with exercise. The date of departure rests in the first week of January. Denver bound we will leave in our 17’ 1976 Yellowstone Trailer (purchased last week in a campground in Pennsylvania). There is more room in there than my junior year dorm room. As this adventure moves closer with the ending of summer I am pulling the plastic pieces apart, trying to find what I stand for, looking for my voice, my essence, my love and personal truth. Which piece keeps these treasures? Or, better question, which toy that I deconstruct keeps them?
I feel that when I put the pieces back together they will form some strange toy. Like how my brother put Ken doll pieces on my Barbies, or like interchangeable transformer parts. I can see robot legs on a plastic pick-up truck in my future. Not one path to follow. No perfect toy that must be kept on the shelf. A reconstructed future.
Maybe I was studying the pieces so intently so that I knew how to fit my favorite ones together again. Whatever it is I learn to stand for, I’ll stand with two different legs.
Last night I had a dream where I was sitting on a rug, presumably babysitting some small children. In front of me was a group of plastic toys, all broken. I was taking them apart, piece by piece, and it was utterly imperative that I handle and feel each plastic primary-colored piece.
My mother said on the ride to work this morning that perhaps this is because I am handling my life exactly how I handled those broken toys. I have separate parts of my life that are each not whole, not fully planned. And each plan, each possibility I take apart piece by piece and feel it out – the rough edges, the smooth surfaces, the weight and how it fits into the rest of the plan.
I read this article today by Kelly Grey: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/08/the-downside-to-down-dog-by-kelly-grey/ that ends with the questions ‘ “ “What is yoga?” I believe the more appropriate question is what is your heart? Your voice? Your essence? What is your love, your deepest most personal truth?’. The article makes the point that anything you follow is nothing at all unless it is the answer to those questions.
I know nothing of what my life is. I know I am bored at this job. I know I am in love. I know I enjoy my family’s company and that when I am bored I struggle with exercise. The date of departure rests in the first week of January. Denver bound we will leave in our 17’ 1976 Yellowstone Trailer (purchased last week in a campground in Pennsylvania). There is more room in there than my junior year dorm room. As this adventure moves closer with the ending of summer I am pulling the plastic pieces apart, trying to find what I stand for, looking for my voice, my essence, my love and personal truth. Which piece keeps these treasures? Or, better question, which toy that I deconstruct keeps them?
I feel that when I put the pieces back together they will form some strange toy. Like how my brother put Ken doll pieces on my Barbies, or like interchangeable transformer parts. I can see robot legs on a plastic pick-up truck in my future. Not one path to follow. No perfect toy that must be kept on the shelf. A reconstructed future.
Maybe I was studying the pieces so intently so that I knew how to fit my favorite ones together again. Whatever it is I learn to stand for, I’ll stand with two different legs.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Dog Days
.. the dog days of summer traditionally refer to what I associate with late evenings on concrete porch steps, creating shapes out of fallen ginko leaves and eating popsicles with lemonade and listening to olsen twins on tape with grass stanes on my knees.
this weekend was kind of like that - long walks and brunches with the puppy, G&T's while measuring the boat for a later-than-now boat cover, miles-long walks across downtown that leave us with sunburned noses loud enough for the neighbors to comment, and legs so mosquito bitten we choose to wear sweat pants to lounge outside.
august is hear my friends, and it is time to make plans for our future year. As for me - I know where I will find my A+ and it comes in the form of ingenious Great American Road Trip planning. The map is in place. The vehicle is being secured. The memories, if any bolder than life right now, are immaculate.
this weekend was kind of like that - long walks and brunches with the puppy, G&T's while measuring the boat for a later-than-now boat cover, miles-long walks across downtown that leave us with sunburned noses loud enough for the neighbors to comment, and legs so mosquito bitten we choose to wear sweat pants to lounge outside.
august is hear my friends, and it is time to make plans for our future year. As for me - I know where I will find my A+ and it comes in the form of ingenious Great American Road Trip planning. The map is in place. The vehicle is being secured. The memories, if any bolder than life right now, are immaculate.
Friday, August 6, 2010
DC, You Make Me Horrible
Along the same lines as my last post, DC has made me a horrible person. Not only do I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to convince myself that what I am doing right now in life is justified, as opposed to using that energy to say, oh do something fun, Washington DC has made me terribly judgmental. There is a marked difference in my demeanor since moving back here a little over a year ago. I am wound much tighter, to be sure, but there is something about the city that breeds judgment.
I have always believed that judging people is a primary reason for why, as some people say, the world craps on you. If we were all more accepting, then we would be much happier, and have a lot more friends. Judging other people does absolutely nothing but bring that negativity into your own countenance and emotional landscape. I was never a judgmental child – I was the one who befriended the outcast and could never understand what people did not like about them.
But, as stated, DC is a Type A Town, and as I fought to maintain satisfaction with my Type D goals, a bit of the world crept in. High school is a more discriminate time, and my high school was a particular school. All-girls, Catholic, and wealthy, if anybody was not quite as feminine, or athletic, or wealthy, or even Catholic, you were just wrong. Somehow, by being judged, it made it okay for me to judge others. And somehow, by being judged, I felt like I should be doing such to others to find what little was left of my own self esteem.
Not that that is okay at all, in any way. And Annapolis made it a lot better. There is a lot less judging on appearances at St. John’s – which is the judging I was used to. But unfortunately, a lot more quickfire opinions – which I was not used to. This judging of opinions lowered my intellectual self esteem to a stupid degree that I apparently still struggle with. But it did help me lose some of the DC appearance judgment. So I became a St. John’s grad, living in Annapolis- I had learned not to judge either on opinion or on appearance.
And then I moved back to DC. And here I am a year later, finding myself judging others on their appearances again. This judgment includes judging myself just as harshly, though, and that is not pleasant. And I of course judge others on opinions as well because it is a political town and judgment flows in the streets like water. My judging found itself at a place where I was judging someone else who was judging someone else yesterday at the corner of Connecticut Ave! If I have any hope of redeeming myself – and liking anybody ever again (including myself) – I think I need to leave.
That being said, dear friends, I am friends with you because I got to know you at a time when I did not live in DC. So I have never judged you. Nor will I, because judging people I actually LIKE is useless. So live without fear of the wrath of my inane Washingtonian influence!
I have always believed that judging people is a primary reason for why, as some people say, the world craps on you. If we were all more accepting, then we would be much happier, and have a lot more friends. Judging other people does absolutely nothing but bring that negativity into your own countenance and emotional landscape. I was never a judgmental child – I was the one who befriended the outcast and could never understand what people did not like about them.
But, as stated, DC is a Type A Town, and as I fought to maintain satisfaction with my Type D goals, a bit of the world crept in. High school is a more discriminate time, and my high school was a particular school. All-girls, Catholic, and wealthy, if anybody was not quite as feminine, or athletic, or wealthy, or even Catholic, you were just wrong. Somehow, by being judged, it made it okay for me to judge others. And somehow, by being judged, I felt like I should be doing such to others to find what little was left of my own self esteem.
Not that that is okay at all, in any way. And Annapolis made it a lot better. There is a lot less judging on appearances at St. John’s – which is the judging I was used to. But unfortunately, a lot more quickfire opinions – which I was not used to. This judging of opinions lowered my intellectual self esteem to a stupid degree that I apparently still struggle with. But it did help me lose some of the DC appearance judgment. So I became a St. John’s grad, living in Annapolis- I had learned not to judge either on opinion or on appearance.
And then I moved back to DC. And here I am a year later, finding myself judging others on their appearances again. This judgment includes judging myself just as harshly, though, and that is not pleasant. And I of course judge others on opinions as well because it is a political town and judgment flows in the streets like water. My judging found itself at a place where I was judging someone else who was judging someone else yesterday at the corner of Connecticut Ave! If I have any hope of redeeming myself – and liking anybody ever again (including myself) – I think I need to leave.
That being said, dear friends, I am friends with you because I got to know you at a time when I did not live in DC. So I have never judged you. Nor will I, because judging people I actually LIKE is useless. So live without fear of the wrath of my inane Washingtonian influence!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
DC - You and I need to have words
Washington is not a terribly friendly place to grow up. It has the highest concentration of Type-A Over Achievers in, probably the world, and the money to prove it. We have wrangled ourselves up lists to one of the Most Expensive Places to Live, one of America’s Best Food Cities, and Americas Most Fit City, among many others. We love climbing ladders of any kind – political, social, financial, and editorial. If you’re not the best, you might as well be dead.
This mindset permeates all the way through to elementary school. A student must be top of the class, best athlete, pretty, and popular, while their individual interests are rarely praised but often exploited until whatever novelty existed for the child dies in a heap of social expectation. And its not the parents necessarily, that are all to blame. The schools are at fault too, but mostly, all the other kids. We pick up some weird vibe that pushes ultra competition. It is not the moving home with mom that has made me a social failure, it’s my lack of a higher degree than Bachelor, and/or my seeming relegation to an overly simple job. I have not published a book yet. Nor have I won any races. I am not Top Anything. Yet.
However, I was a Type D personality growing up. It is little known, and here is a description:- The typical "D" personality doesn't like change, preferring instead, to have a set of guidelines from which to follow and they won't mind doing the same thing over and over. They are usually more motivated by security and benefits and are likely to get the "gold watch" if the company can provide the security they seek. "D" types are very supportive of others and are often the type that others turn to when they have a problem. Their compassion level is usually quite high and often seem very happy and content with themselves and life in general. They are usually punctual, and consistent. They add "balance" and support in the workplace and may be the champion of the "under dog". - Type A is opposite to Type D. I was constantly fighting the world around me telling me to push to be the center, the controller, to embrace change and adventure, when all I needed was stability and support. I was loyal and steady and consistent, and all the world wants is for me to be exciting and exceedingly excellent.
It seems however that this is changing as I grow up. I am embracing more of the Type-A ideals as parts of the adult world require me to be satisfied with my supporting role and just have a family and be happy goddammit.
Sometimes the Type A mindset gets to me. I start to read into all the success around me as the polar opposite of my current life. The rewards that others are reaping elude me and therefore I have completely failed at life. And then I come up on article after article about the merits of napping, family time, gardening, cooking food, sleeping in, taking days off, and wandering aimlessly. I can read these and say “hey – I’m doing that!”. This is the world reminding me that there IS a middle ground. I may not be in a high-intensity law program, but I am learning quite a lot about social law. I may not be earning mega-bucks, but I am learning how to save. I am not running around the globe competing in super marathons, but I have long delicious walks with my boyfriend and really wonderful drives to work with my mother. I am doing just what everyone says they wish they had done when they are old and almost dead – spending time with my family, living slowly.
This is a theme that occurs often here – how I struggle to mitigate the feelings that I am wasting my days with the knowledge that here is where the world put me. I keep feeling that very little exciting happens in my life, but the past two months of weekends have included this: a long trip to the Outer Banks, the largest free arts festival on the east coast, visits to several museums, 5 mile walks, dinners with friends, planning galore, farming, surprises, and lots of joy. What is not exciting about that?! Thanks for bearing with me as I struggle to balance my life.
Who knows, DC and I may just have to break up.
This mindset permeates all the way through to elementary school. A student must be top of the class, best athlete, pretty, and popular, while their individual interests are rarely praised but often exploited until whatever novelty existed for the child dies in a heap of social expectation. And its not the parents necessarily, that are all to blame. The schools are at fault too, but mostly, all the other kids. We pick up some weird vibe that pushes ultra competition. It is not the moving home with mom that has made me a social failure, it’s my lack of a higher degree than Bachelor, and/or my seeming relegation to an overly simple job. I have not published a book yet. Nor have I won any races. I am not Top Anything. Yet.
However, I was a Type D personality growing up. It is little known, and here is a description:- The typical "D" personality doesn't like change, preferring instead, to have a set of guidelines from which to follow and they won't mind doing the same thing over and over. They are usually more motivated by security and benefits and are likely to get the "gold watch" if the company can provide the security they seek. "D" types are very supportive of others and are often the type that others turn to when they have a problem. Their compassion level is usually quite high and often seem very happy and content with themselves and life in general. They are usually punctual, and consistent. They add "balance" and support in the workplace and may be the champion of the "under dog". - Type A is opposite to Type D. I was constantly fighting the world around me telling me to push to be the center, the controller, to embrace change and adventure, when all I needed was stability and support. I was loyal and steady and consistent, and all the world wants is for me to be exciting and exceedingly excellent.
It seems however that this is changing as I grow up. I am embracing more of the Type-A ideals as parts of the adult world require me to be satisfied with my supporting role and just have a family and be happy goddammit.
Sometimes the Type A mindset gets to me. I start to read into all the success around me as the polar opposite of my current life. The rewards that others are reaping elude me and therefore I have completely failed at life. And then I come up on article after article about the merits of napping, family time, gardening, cooking food, sleeping in, taking days off, and wandering aimlessly. I can read these and say “hey – I’m doing that!”. This is the world reminding me that there IS a middle ground. I may not be in a high-intensity law program, but I am learning quite a lot about social law. I may not be earning mega-bucks, but I am learning how to save. I am not running around the globe competing in super marathons, but I have long delicious walks with my boyfriend and really wonderful drives to work with my mother. I am doing just what everyone says they wish they had done when they are old and almost dead – spending time with my family, living slowly.
This is a theme that occurs often here – how I struggle to mitigate the feelings that I am wasting my days with the knowledge that here is where the world put me. I keep feeling that very little exciting happens in my life, but the past two months of weekends have included this: a long trip to the Outer Banks, the largest free arts festival on the east coast, visits to several museums, 5 mile walks, dinners with friends, planning galore, farming, surprises, and lots of joy. What is not exciting about that?! Thanks for bearing with me as I struggle to balance my life.
Who knows, DC and I may just have to break up.
Back to school?
August has come in with muggy heat and bright loud storms. The same energy accompanies it that it always has; although I am no longer in school, I feel myself preparing for the change and resolutions that September brings.
Yesterday I made all the wrong turns, I gave all the wrong answers. I went down the wrong streets on my way to work. I said the wrong words when speaking with my boss. I wrote the wrong numbers. I was seemingly stuck, and it seemed I had been this way all summer. An exercise slump has followed me through July, and the slow creep of despondence has found its way into my world, fueled by stories of ultra-marathoners, hugely successful former classmates, wandering friends, proposals, goals, and great successful smiles. My world, compared to the fast moving people I am surrounded by, seemed to be stuck in the remedial classes, getting lost. I wanted to be skipping a grade.
While all this has been going on, I have the strange need to take inventory. I used to count out all the colored pencils, the blank notebooks, the backpacks and pens, and see what I needed to start the year fresh. I still love the smells and aisles of Staples, Office Depot, the Container Store – all huge spaces dedicated to a neat and hopeful future. The process of school supply shopping promised I would do better, because I was outfitting myself for success. I have been doing this with my wardrobe – if I wear professional and successful clothing, perhaps the satisfaction of a full career will come too? None of these thoughts are grounded by logic, but by a students’ hope of re-dedication and a new perspective.
And then somewhere in my yesterday I was hit with this thought, that perhaps I have been so frustrated with my summer’s laziness because I have not accepted its natural “vacation” state. There is a reason schools let out for a while, in the thick heat when your sweat is an extra layer of clothing. I may not be in school anymore, but my summer is not meant to be productive, to meet goals beyond reading new books and making dioramas, or sipping cocktails in a hot tub at sunset.
Autumn is my time instead, where I decide to dream big and gather my moxy to push forward with new hope. Last fall I decided to train for a marathon. I tackled a few very difficult questions with myself, and I succeeded. I guess it is time to spend the cool hours of morning making plans for the fall, and the last remaining sticky hot hours napping and dreaming big and relishing the last of vacation before the effort of all those right answers.
Yesterday I made all the wrong turns, I gave all the wrong answers. I went down the wrong streets on my way to work. I said the wrong words when speaking with my boss. I wrote the wrong numbers. I was seemingly stuck, and it seemed I had been this way all summer. An exercise slump has followed me through July, and the slow creep of despondence has found its way into my world, fueled by stories of ultra-marathoners, hugely successful former classmates, wandering friends, proposals, goals, and great successful smiles. My world, compared to the fast moving people I am surrounded by, seemed to be stuck in the remedial classes, getting lost. I wanted to be skipping a grade.
While all this has been going on, I have the strange need to take inventory. I used to count out all the colored pencils, the blank notebooks, the backpacks and pens, and see what I needed to start the year fresh. I still love the smells and aisles of Staples, Office Depot, the Container Store – all huge spaces dedicated to a neat and hopeful future. The process of school supply shopping promised I would do better, because I was outfitting myself for success. I have been doing this with my wardrobe – if I wear professional and successful clothing, perhaps the satisfaction of a full career will come too? None of these thoughts are grounded by logic, but by a students’ hope of re-dedication and a new perspective.
And then somewhere in my yesterday I was hit with this thought, that perhaps I have been so frustrated with my summer’s laziness because I have not accepted its natural “vacation” state. There is a reason schools let out for a while, in the thick heat when your sweat is an extra layer of clothing. I may not be in school anymore, but my summer is not meant to be productive, to meet goals beyond reading new books and making dioramas, or sipping cocktails in a hot tub at sunset.
Autumn is my time instead, where I decide to dream big and gather my moxy to push forward with new hope. Last fall I decided to train for a marathon. I tackled a few very difficult questions with myself, and I succeeded. I guess it is time to spend the cool hours of morning making plans for the fall, and the last remaining sticky hot hours napping and dreaming big and relishing the last of vacation before the effort of all those right answers.
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Great Race Forward
The office has been uncharacteristically busy the past few weeks. Our elderly partner, the friend of my grandfather, and a heroic peacekeeper, died last Monday (I have included his obituary at the end of this post). He worked with my boss for 37 years and rightly, there have been many visitors, and much absent-mindedness. I am cleaning out his office now, and find bottles of vodka, cigar ashtrays, buckshot for birds, and paper upon paper of recommendations written to various presidents. He is “the last of the old guard”, a remnant from an age of unsullied glory and full-hearted pursuits. I am wiping away the dust from years of gallantry and utter particularity that have settled on the surface of old oak desks and globes with hidden bars inside, and almost ironically the series premier of Mad Men airs in a few days.
There is a buzz I feel as I am given task upon task, as I pull out piles of old files and messy boxes of errant notices. The phone rings in the middle of my sweaty cleaning, and I go back to filing only to answer the phone again. This, my friends, is what I envisioned as a child when I first became aware that I would be a great secretary – the bombardment of organizing needs, the reflexes needed to keep everything utterly and perfectly ahead of what is needed. Already hours have passed and I have not touched my blog reader. A wave of fondness for my boss crashes upon me, and I am reminded that indeed I do have potential!
This next week will be spent vacationing – in the breezes of the North Carolina shores. A house full of twelve people, at least, a great dear friend, and several great intentions will converge upon eight or nine full days of escapism. Last year, when I went, I was nervous. The older adults (how strange to have to refer to the parents and aunts and uncles as “older adults”! Writing simply “the adults” is useless, as we are all over 20!) spoke often how all year long they waited for this one week of vacation. At the time I thought, how sad! But now I have spent a year in great anticipation and realize that it is not sad to look forward longingly at this week, but how lucky we are that it is possible!
Today is a day that makes patience sensible. As so many around me are leaping forward deservedly into promotions and raises and great big plans, I sometimes rebuke myself for not making different choices. Not that I am unhappy, as you are all aware, but that I worry I have put to waste opportunities. But today, I can see the small changes in my life that occur before great upheaval. I can relish the pings of coins that I am saving, the strength in my legs I am earning, and the time spent with my family that I can never regret. There are choices to be made for the next few months, but none of them worth agonizing over. For now, I will race to finish my tasks so I can leave in peace and think nothing of this work for a full week.
Jack O'Connell, 88, dies; diplomatic adviser to Jordan's King Hussein
By T. Rees Shapiro
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Jack O'Connell, 88, who as a CIA station chief in Amman, Jordan, became King Hussein's diplomatic adviser and closest American confidant, strengthening U.S. ties with the crucial Middle East ally, died of congestive heart failure July 12 at the Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington County. He was a Rosslyn resident.
Dr. O'Connell, who was trained as a lawyer, joined the CIA in the late 1940s and served in Beirut before becoming station chief in Jordan from 1963 to 1971. Bordered by Israel, Saudi Arabia, Syria and Iraq, the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan is considered one of America's most important allies in the Middle East, in part because of its savvy intelligence service.
Dr. O'Connell, whose time in Jordan coincided with the Arab-Israeli Six-Day War in June 1967 and the brutal expulsion of the Palestine Liberation Organization in 1970, fostered a fraternal bond with the king and was considered an adopted member of the royal family, said Richard Viets, a former U.S. ambassador to Jordan.
A burly, blue-eyed Midwesterner of Irish descent, Dr. O'Connell had a quiet, self-effacing demeanor but was, nonetheless, among the best-known Americans in Jordan.
In 1967, he played a key role in negotiating U.N. Security Council Resolution 242, which sought to establish peace in the Middle East after Syria, Egypt and Jordan had combined forces in the six-day conflict with Israel. Although Resolution 242 was never fully adopted, it remains the blueprint for Middle East peace agreements today.
Jordan lost control of the West Bank to Israel in the war, and about 300,000 Palestinians from that region fled to Jordan. Many joined guerrilla groups that aligned themselves with the PLO.
In 1970, Hussein sought to dissolve the growing power of the PLO, leading to the month-long civil war known as "Black September."
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Within two years, Dr. O'Connell had left Jordan, retired from the CIA and joined a Washington law firm that became O'Connell and Glock. He remained Hussein's personal lawyer and political adviser in Washington until the monarch's death in 1999.
"Jack O'Connell had a closer relationship with King Hussein than any other American official before or after, one that was based on mutual respect and absolute trust," Avi Shlaim wrote in his 2007 book "Lion of Jordan: The Life of King Hussein in War and Peace."
John William O'Connell was born Aug. 18, 1921, in Flandreau, S.D. He played defensive end at the University of Notre Dame on a football scholarship but transferred to Georgetown University after a car accident left him unable to play.
His education was interrupted by Navy service in World War II aboard a minesweeper patrolling the smoldering remains of Nagasaki's harbor shortly after the Japanese surrender.
In 1946, he graduated from the School of Foreign Service at Georgetown, where he received a law degree in 1948. He joined the CIA the same year and was sent to the University of the Punjab in Pakistan on a Fulbright scholarship, receiving a master's degree in Islamic law in 1952. He returned to Georgetown and received a doctorate in international law in 1958.
One of the events that catalyzed his friendship with Hussein occurred that same year. For his first foreign CIA assignment, Dr. O'Connell was sent to Jordan to help foil a coup attempt on the 22-year-old king's throne by restive Jordanian military officers. In the course of several months, Dr. O'Connell helped unravel the plot and assist in the arrest of the rogue officers.
During his time in Jordan, Dr. O'Connell was responsible for helping to expand the powers and capabilities of the Jordanian intelligence service with CIA funding and training. In 1977, news reports revealed that Hussein had been a paid informant for the CIA.
In the early 1990s, Dr. O'Connell helped facilitate, through the Jordanian king, negotiations with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in the run-up to the Persian Gulf War. Dr. O'Connell's memoir, currently under CIA review, is scheduled to be published by W.W. Norton in 2011.
His first wife, Katherine MacDonald O'Connell, died in 1972. He later married Syble McKenzie O'Connell, who died in 1990. An infant child from his first marriage, Mary Frances O'Connell, died in 1949.
Survivors include two children from his first marriage, Kelly Ann O'Connell of Annandale and Sean O'Connell of Fairfax County; and a grandson.
One day in the 1990s, Dr. O'Connell and Viets were walking out of the Jordanian Foreign Ministry when the former defensive end tripped and fell down a steep flight of steps and broke his leg.
On the suggestion that he seek medical attention, Dr. O'Connell replied: "Irishmen don't wear casts."
Instead, he used a cane and walked on the broken leg until it healed.
There is a buzz I feel as I am given task upon task, as I pull out piles of old files and messy boxes of errant notices. The phone rings in the middle of my sweaty cleaning, and I go back to filing only to answer the phone again. This, my friends, is what I envisioned as a child when I first became aware that I would be a great secretary – the bombardment of organizing needs, the reflexes needed to keep everything utterly and perfectly ahead of what is needed. Already hours have passed and I have not touched my blog reader. A wave of fondness for my boss crashes upon me, and I am reminded that indeed I do have potential!
This next week will be spent vacationing – in the breezes of the North Carolina shores. A house full of twelve people, at least, a great dear friend, and several great intentions will converge upon eight or nine full days of escapism. Last year, when I went, I was nervous. The older adults (how strange to have to refer to the parents and aunts and uncles as “older adults”! Writing simply “the adults” is useless, as we are all over 20!) spoke often how all year long they waited for this one week of vacation. At the time I thought, how sad! But now I have spent a year in great anticipation and realize that it is not sad to look forward longingly at this week, but how lucky we are that it is possible!
Today is a day that makes patience sensible. As so many around me are leaping forward deservedly into promotions and raises and great big plans, I sometimes rebuke myself for not making different choices. Not that I am unhappy, as you are all aware, but that I worry I have put to waste opportunities. But today, I can see the small changes in my life that occur before great upheaval. I can relish the pings of coins that I am saving, the strength in my legs I am earning, and the time spent with my family that I can never regret. There are choices to be made for the next few months, but none of them worth agonizing over. For now, I will race to finish my tasks so I can leave in peace and think nothing of this work for a full week.
Jack O'Connell, 88, dies; diplomatic adviser to Jordan's King Hussein
By T. Rees Shapiro
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Jack O'Connell, 88, who as a CIA station chief in Amman, Jordan, became King Hussein's diplomatic adviser and closest American confidant, strengthening U.S. ties with the crucial Middle East ally, died of congestive heart failure July 12 at the Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington County. He was a Rosslyn resident.
Dr. O'Connell, who was trained as a lawyer, joined the CIA in the late 1940s and served in Beirut before becoming station chief in Jordan from 1963 to 1971. Bordered by Israel, Saudi Arabia, Syria and Iraq, the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan is considered one of America's most important allies in the Middle East, in part because of its savvy intelligence service.
Dr. O'Connell, whose time in Jordan coincided with the Arab-Israeli Six-Day War in June 1967 and the brutal expulsion of the Palestine Liberation Organization in 1970, fostered a fraternal bond with the king and was considered an adopted member of the royal family, said Richard Viets, a former U.S. ambassador to Jordan.
A burly, blue-eyed Midwesterner of Irish descent, Dr. O'Connell had a quiet, self-effacing demeanor but was, nonetheless, among the best-known Americans in Jordan.
In 1967, he played a key role in negotiating U.N. Security Council Resolution 242, which sought to establish peace in the Middle East after Syria, Egypt and Jordan had combined forces in the six-day conflict with Israel. Although Resolution 242 was never fully adopted, it remains the blueprint for Middle East peace agreements today.
Jordan lost control of the West Bank to Israel in the war, and about 300,000 Palestinians from that region fled to Jordan. Many joined guerrilla groups that aligned themselves with the PLO.
In 1970, Hussein sought to dissolve the growing power of the PLO, leading to the month-long civil war known as "Black September."
ad_icon
Within two years, Dr. O'Connell had left Jordan, retired from the CIA and joined a Washington law firm that became O'Connell and Glock. He remained Hussein's personal lawyer and political adviser in Washington until the monarch's death in 1999.
"Jack O'Connell had a closer relationship with King Hussein than any other American official before or after, one that was based on mutual respect and absolute trust," Avi Shlaim wrote in his 2007 book "Lion of Jordan: The Life of King Hussein in War and Peace."
John William O'Connell was born Aug. 18, 1921, in Flandreau, S.D. He played defensive end at the University of Notre Dame on a football scholarship but transferred to Georgetown University after a car accident left him unable to play.
His education was interrupted by Navy service in World War II aboard a minesweeper patrolling the smoldering remains of Nagasaki's harbor shortly after the Japanese surrender.
In 1946, he graduated from the School of Foreign Service at Georgetown, where he received a law degree in 1948. He joined the CIA the same year and was sent to the University of the Punjab in Pakistan on a Fulbright scholarship, receiving a master's degree in Islamic law in 1952. He returned to Georgetown and received a doctorate in international law in 1958.
One of the events that catalyzed his friendship with Hussein occurred that same year. For his first foreign CIA assignment, Dr. O'Connell was sent to Jordan to help foil a coup attempt on the 22-year-old king's throne by restive Jordanian military officers. In the course of several months, Dr. O'Connell helped unravel the plot and assist in the arrest of the rogue officers.
During his time in Jordan, Dr. O'Connell was responsible for helping to expand the powers and capabilities of the Jordanian intelligence service with CIA funding and training. In 1977, news reports revealed that Hussein had been a paid informant for the CIA.
In the early 1990s, Dr. O'Connell helped facilitate, through the Jordanian king, negotiations with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein in the run-up to the Persian Gulf War. Dr. O'Connell's memoir, currently under CIA review, is scheduled to be published by W.W. Norton in 2011.
His first wife, Katherine MacDonald O'Connell, died in 1972. He later married Syble McKenzie O'Connell, who died in 1990. An infant child from his first marriage, Mary Frances O'Connell, died in 1949.
Survivors include two children from his first marriage, Kelly Ann O'Connell of Annandale and Sean O'Connell of Fairfax County; and a grandson.
One day in the 1990s, Dr. O'Connell and Viets were walking out of the Jordanian Foreign Ministry when the former defensive end tripped and fell down a steep flight of steps and broke his leg.
On the suggestion that he seek medical attention, Dr. O'Connell replied: "Irishmen don't wear casts."
Instead, he used a cane and walked on the broken leg until it healed.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Idea #2
I'm intrigued by food bloggers.
I'm thinking of starting an experiment where I food blog for a week.
This came to my mind because my salad was just so pretty today and there are so many people that go around their lives taking pictures of everything they eat. I kind of want pictures of the beautiful things I eat to share with you sometimes.
Weird?
Don't worry - there is absolutely ZERO chance this would be permanent. My attention span/interest/level of caring is just not there. Not even close.
I'm thinking of starting an experiment where I food blog for a week.
This came to my mind because my salad was just so pretty today and there are so many people that go around their lives taking pictures of everything they eat. I kind of want pictures of the beautiful things I eat to share with you sometimes.
Weird?
Don't worry - there is absolutely ZERO chance this would be permanent. My attention span/interest/level of caring is just not there. Not even close.
Guiltfree and Long Lived
My muse inspired this. I'm sorry it's a bit long.
Here is a link to a post and comments on a different blog regarding the same topic, but differently: http://runningnina.onsugar.com/When-Working-Out-Doesnt-Work-Out-8914572.
Sometimes, workouts don't happen. And by sometimes, I mean quite a lot. Periods of "fail workouts" or just plain don't make it to the gym days come and go in waves for me- some weeks I hit the pavement every day, other weeks I can't seem to make it out of the door once, needless to say pick up a weight or roll out my mat.
These weeks when I don't workout suck. They make me feel like a total failure and a total fatty and this stress contributes to not getting out again. Until finally I push myself through a full two miles or whatever and get my mojo back. And sometimes I eat(i mean drink) so much I might not as well have run 7 miles at all!
This leads to exercise guilt. Guilt over not being badass enough (we are familiar with this), guilt over being normal.
I have a hard time, as we know, NOT being badass, NOT being the girl who gets out the door for hours a day. What does this do? Stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. And anxiety increases blood pressure, thus contributing to the degeneration of my well-being. Basically, worrying about not being healthy enough reduces my overall health.
This is often linked to the distinctive thought pattern that "if only I ran more, I would look like Dara Torres". And that's supposed to make my life better? HOW?! HOW does looking like an Olympic Athlete improve ANYTHING in my life? Answer: it doesn't. My life will not get easier with ripped muscles. While losing a few pounds will improve my life a little bit, spending all of my free time lugging giant weights around so I can have visible splits in my calf muscles actually WASTES my time and certainly will not improve any of my relationships.
But today I am resolving to change my concept of WHY I workout. The more I read, the more modern exercise science (yes, I know, which is terribly young) claims that exercise has a different purpose than losing weight. What I find interesting is that it wasn't until the past few decades that we even realized that moving a particular amount/more would contribute to smaller bodies, or even cared. Previously, weight loss was all about food. Exercise was about work.
And apparently, that is still the case. Weight loss is still mostly about food. Truth be told that it is a lot easier to cut out soda and candy from your diet, thus cutting a few hundred calories a day, than to go to the gym for an hour. While both work, changing your food is a lot easier than changing your other habits. Apart from that, new studies show that exercise, while a great contributor to overall health, often increases appetite, becoming also a great contributor to weight gain.
How funny!
But aerobic exercise, stretching, and weight bearing moving are clearly still great for a host of other things besides weight loss.
Here is a short list of things exercise improves: stamina in bed, mobility, comfort in heat, energy levels, overall happiness due to increased hormones, the length of your life, diet (apparently, the more you work out the better you want to eat - science!), intelligence (from a newly figured out protein named Noggin), memory, time management.
Here is a short list of things exercise prevents: bone loss, heart disease, depression, anxiety, broken bones, sleep loss, obesity, diabetes, pain from aging, pain from normal movement, muscle and ligament tears from day to day activities.
So, I decided that I am going to remind myself that I workout so I can enjoy and remember my grandkids' graduations, and so I can play with Sam & Hannah on the weekends, and take Lucy for walks in the summer heat, and raise the mainsail, and carry groceries, and hike Mt. Washington and Macchu Piccu.
And maybe also so I can have that martini at happy hour.
Here is a link to a post and comments on a different blog regarding the same topic, but differently: http://runningnina.onsugar.com/When-Working-Out-Doesnt-Work-Out-8914572.
Sometimes, workouts don't happen. And by sometimes, I mean quite a lot. Periods of "fail workouts" or just plain don't make it to the gym days come and go in waves for me- some weeks I hit the pavement every day, other weeks I can't seem to make it out of the door once, needless to say pick up a weight or roll out my mat.
These weeks when I don't workout suck. They make me feel like a total failure and a total fatty and this stress contributes to not getting out again. Until finally I push myself through a full two miles or whatever and get my mojo back. And sometimes I eat(i mean drink) so much I might not as well have run 7 miles at all!
This leads to exercise guilt. Guilt over not being badass enough (we are familiar with this), guilt over being normal.
I have a hard time, as we know, NOT being badass, NOT being the girl who gets out the door for hours a day. What does this do? Stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. And anxiety increases blood pressure, thus contributing to the degeneration of my well-being. Basically, worrying about not being healthy enough reduces my overall health.
This is often linked to the distinctive thought pattern that "if only I ran more, I would look like Dara Torres". And that's supposed to make my life better? HOW?! HOW does looking like an Olympic Athlete improve ANYTHING in my life? Answer: it doesn't. My life will not get easier with ripped muscles. While losing a few pounds will improve my life a little bit, spending all of my free time lugging giant weights around so I can have visible splits in my calf muscles actually WASTES my time and certainly will not improve any of my relationships.
But today I am resolving to change my concept of WHY I workout. The more I read, the more modern exercise science (yes, I know, which is terribly young) claims that exercise has a different purpose than losing weight. What I find interesting is that it wasn't until the past few decades that we even realized that moving a particular amount/more would contribute to smaller bodies, or even cared. Previously, weight loss was all about food. Exercise was about work.
And apparently, that is still the case. Weight loss is still mostly about food. Truth be told that it is a lot easier to cut out soda and candy from your diet, thus cutting a few hundred calories a day, than to go to the gym for an hour. While both work, changing your food is a lot easier than changing your other habits. Apart from that, new studies show that exercise, while a great contributor to overall health, often increases appetite, becoming also a great contributor to weight gain.
How funny!
But aerobic exercise, stretching, and weight bearing moving are clearly still great for a host of other things besides weight loss.
Here is a short list of things exercise improves: stamina in bed, mobility, comfort in heat, energy levels, overall happiness due to increased hormones, the length of your life, diet (apparently, the more you work out the better you want to eat - science!), intelligence (from a newly figured out protein named Noggin), memory, time management.
Here is a short list of things exercise prevents: bone loss, heart disease, depression, anxiety, broken bones, sleep loss, obesity, diabetes, pain from aging, pain from normal movement, muscle and ligament tears from day to day activities.
So, I decided that I am going to remind myself that I workout so I can enjoy and remember my grandkids' graduations, and so I can play with Sam & Hannah on the weekends, and take Lucy for walks in the summer heat, and raise the mainsail, and carry groceries, and hike Mt. Washington and Macchu Piccu.
And maybe also so I can have that martini at happy hour.
Idea
Guys
What do you think about this idea -
Its been on my mind for a while and I'm basically obsessed.
We all love micro-brews right (duh)?
What about micro-distilling? Smaller, craft bourbons and vodkas with finely tuned flavors and infusions?
I basically want this to be my career. Can't you see it - de Groot brand Bourbon?
What do you think about this idea -
Its been on my mind for a while and I'm basically obsessed.
We all love micro-brews right (duh)?
What about micro-distilling? Smaller, craft bourbons and vodkas with finely tuned flavors and infusions?
I basically want this to be my career. Can't you see it - de Groot brand Bourbon?
Optimist Post
Today is one of those days where I am not, surprisingly, OVERWHELMED with how many options there are in the healthy-food arena (so many salads! so many smoothie options! sauteed green everything! fruit with so many protein options! nuts! grains!), or how you really have to work out about 3 hours a day or more to incorporate all the options and more or less 'necessary' workouts into your week (think about it: circuits, weight-bearing, yoga, interval, hill, long runs, speedwork, plyometrics, isometrics and functional - not counting the different TYPES of yoga, or weights to use, etc).
Instead, I am utterly thrilled with the fact that I can focus now on one set, and when it becomes necessary to switch up my routine or my diet, there are a bazillion different options. Keeping things interesting and new isn't a chore because there are just so many ways to do it!
We all know my fondness for kale, but here are a few other foods that I feel are SUPER wonderful for their intense nutrient packing and utter versatility.
Avocado:
Healthy fats galore! Not just for guacamole anymore! Use instead of butter in baking, or adorn absolutely any dish with slices of it. They also work great for texture in smoothies.
Coconut:
Also, healthy fats. Also - put flakes on cereals, puddings, soups, salads, use the virgin oil instead of butter for sauteeing or in oatmeal, whip it into a cream with a nut-milk to use in baking or instead of whipped cream! Or, just drink it. Also, great on hair and skin. And we all know how I love to use my kitchen for beauty products (mostly I'm too lazy to go to CVS, but whatevs).
Quinoa:
A complete protein in itself (which means they also have a complete set of amino acids along with the protein, as opposed to, say, soy), this grain was used as a primary food source for and revered by the Incas (god I love them) and come in many colored varieties. They are a natural pesticide, and terribly easy to grow in the right climate. It can be used as a cereal grain for breakfast, or in salads, smoothies, or as a dish on its own with meats or other grains or veggies. LIMITLESS PROTEIN PEOPLE!
Now don't you totally want me to cook you dinner?
Instead, I am utterly thrilled with the fact that I can focus now on one set, and when it becomes necessary to switch up my routine or my diet, there are a bazillion different options. Keeping things interesting and new isn't a chore because there are just so many ways to do it!
We all know my fondness for kale, but here are a few other foods that I feel are SUPER wonderful for their intense nutrient packing and utter versatility.
Avocado:
Healthy fats galore! Not just for guacamole anymore! Use instead of butter in baking, or adorn absolutely any dish with slices of it. They also work great for texture in smoothies.
Coconut:
Also, healthy fats. Also - put flakes on cereals, puddings, soups, salads, use the virgin oil instead of butter for sauteeing or in oatmeal, whip it into a cream with a nut-milk to use in baking or instead of whipped cream! Or, just drink it. Also, great on hair and skin. And we all know how I love to use my kitchen for beauty products (mostly I'm too lazy to go to CVS, but whatevs).
Quinoa:
A complete protein in itself (which means they also have a complete set of amino acids along with the protein, as opposed to, say, soy), this grain was used as a primary food source for and revered by the Incas (god I love them) and come in many colored varieties. They are a natural pesticide, and terribly easy to grow in the right climate. It can be used as a cereal grain for breakfast, or in salads, smoothies, or as a dish on its own with meats or other grains or veggies. LIMITLESS PROTEIN PEOPLE!
Now don't you totally want me to cook you dinner?
True Story
One night this past weekend, the boyfriend and I went to bed. Not too early, not too late, not drunk, just happy sleepy people.
When we woke up, the pillow covers to ALL FOUR pillows had been slipped off and placed in the very middle of the pillows. To elaborate: I only use one pillow. I never touch other pillows during the night. All pillows were still in their rightful and proper places like good pillows should be. Neither of us had particularly unrestful or fitful dreams, nor do we remember anything unusual.
The pillow cases were off, that's all.
Monday, July 5, 2010
She Moves!
The great fantastic high point of the weekend - other than its utter awesomeness - was getting the boat going! That's right, we sailed her, and plan on working her quite hard through the following summer. The boyfriend will hate me if he sees I put these pictures up but - whatevs.
Friday, July 2, 2010
1st Weekend of July
Tomorrow, this is happening: 
also, a bunch of this:
and damn well a bunch of this:
HAPPY AMERICA EVERYONE!
also, a bunch of this:
and damn well a bunch of this:
HAPPY AMERICA EVERYONE!
Summer Yuck
This past week I have been sick - weirdly - with a pretty absurd summer bug.
Note, this may or may not be actually side effects of a vaccine I got at the doctor's last week, but my mom is now sick with something similar so maybe it is an illness instead.
Symptoms: stupid digestion - painful, and weird. Not gross, just different than my normal digestion which I pretty much have regulated down to a science.
and exhaustion, a my-muscles-are-all-really-heavy-and-all-i-want-to-do-is-lay-down-and-sleep-but-i'm-not-actually-sleepy exhaustion, that comes on fast for a half hour and then leaves, wherein I can rally enough energy to convince myself to do something productive like go for a run, wherein the exhaustion sets in immediately. And this is a pronounced level of tiredness that I am very much not making up or using as an excuse to not workout. Because i love having energy. And I love working out. And don't like making excuses when I don't have to.
Note, this may or may not be actually side effects of a vaccine I got at the doctor's last week, but my mom is now sick with something similar so maybe it is an illness instead.
Symptoms: stupid digestion - painful, and weird. Not gross, just different than my normal digestion which I pretty much have regulated down to a science.
and exhaustion, a my-muscles-are-all-really-heavy-and-all-i-want-to-do-is-lay-down-and-sleep-but-i'm-not-actually-sleepy exhaustion, that comes on fast for a half hour and then leaves, wherein I can rally enough energy to convince myself to do something productive like go for a run, wherein the exhaustion sets in immediately. And this is a pronounced level of tiredness that I am very much not making up or using as an excuse to not workout. Because i love having energy. And I love working out. And don't like making excuses when I don't have to.
Smoothies
I've been pretty obsessed with them lately.
Which is a ginormous understatement.
I have gotten in upset moods - truthfully - because I have not been able to have as many smoothies in one day as the recipes I dream up. Nor can I afford to stock everything I would like to use in so many smoothies. I contemplated starting a blog about smoothies, and going on a smoothie-a-day challenge to enlighten the world on their wonderful properties.
All that has already been done.
So I made this chart:
Which is a ginormous understatement.
I have gotten in upset moods - truthfully - because I have not been able to have as many smoothies in one day as the recipes I dream up. Nor can I afford to stock everything I would like to use in so many smoothies. I contemplated starting a blog about smoothies, and going on a smoothie-a-day challenge to enlighten the world on their wonderful properties.
All that has already been done.
So I made this chart:
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Revelations
While I expect to find cigars and piles of old used ashtrays in my silent-slash-old boss' empty office dedicated to the now dead Jordanian King Hussein, I did not expect to find this: rifle shot.
Secondly, I have discovered that Beds are my Enemy #1. Why, you say?
Because I love them. As a child my favorite activity was sleeping. True story. Not reading, or playing with friends, but sleeping (well - I was the poster for childhood depression, but still). Currently I have the worlds most amazing bed (well, it's right now in my old house but coming back to bethesda soon!). When in beds, I sleep. I have learned to sleep deeper since living with the Takoma Park noise, and no longer have any of the raging sleep issues that plagued me in my youth.
So, what's the problem with this, since apparently one of our nation's top health issues is not getting enough sleep? The problem, dear friends, is I hate to stop doing it. Which means that waking up early, when I am in my happiest and most productive state, becomes thoroughly difficult. Which means I work out less. And get less done. And am generally crankier.
This I have discovered since sleeping on the couch. Which is great sleep, don't get me wrong. But I have no desire to stay on the couch in the morning and continue sleeping. This is the same with sleeping in a tent, or in a hammock, or on a boat. Anywhere but in a proper bed. When upon waking up anywhere else, my eyes open, I spring up, and am annoying alert and chipper and productive. When sleeping on a proper mattress, I linger, I loaf about, I am reluctant to get moving. and I remain that way for the rest of the day.
So - what do I do about this? Never sleep in a bed ever again? Or at Least not during training seasons? THIS IS MAJOR PROBLEMS FOR ME PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
Also, I promise that as soon as I find my computer chords from my move I will upload more photos to this bad boy web log so that this can be more interesting than my inane rants.
Secondly, I have discovered that Beds are my Enemy #1. Why, you say?
Because I love them. As a child my favorite activity was sleeping. True story. Not reading, or playing with friends, but sleeping (well - I was the poster for childhood depression, but still). Currently I have the worlds most amazing bed (well, it's right now in my old house but coming back to bethesda soon!). When in beds, I sleep. I have learned to sleep deeper since living with the Takoma Park noise, and no longer have any of the raging sleep issues that plagued me in my youth.
So, what's the problem with this, since apparently one of our nation's top health issues is not getting enough sleep? The problem, dear friends, is I hate to stop doing it. Which means that waking up early, when I am in my happiest and most productive state, becomes thoroughly difficult. Which means I work out less. And get less done. And am generally crankier.
This I have discovered since sleeping on the couch. Which is great sleep, don't get me wrong. But I have no desire to stay on the couch in the morning and continue sleeping. This is the same with sleeping in a tent, or in a hammock, or on a boat. Anywhere but in a proper bed. When upon waking up anywhere else, my eyes open, I spring up, and am annoying alert and chipper and productive. When sleeping on a proper mattress, I linger, I loaf about, I am reluctant to get moving. and I remain that way for the rest of the day.
So - what do I do about this? Never sleep in a bed ever again? Or at Least not during training seasons? THIS IS MAJOR PROBLEMS FOR ME PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
Also, I promise that as soon as I find my computer chords from my move I will upload more photos to this bad boy web log so that this can be more interesting than my inane rants.
Awesome
Was pretty much what this weekend was.. just a giant bucket of awesomeness.
Saturday: Beer AND Bourbon AND Barbecue - and SUN and LOTS OF WASPY twenty-somethings (seriously, except for the fact that the boyfriend and I are a slightly too grungy to appear WASPY, we fit in perfectly. Which may be one of the first times that has happened in my life). I found my favorite Bourbon: Pappy Van Winkle (which, unfortunately is insanely expensive because its a 23 year aged bourbon) or, alternatively, Buffalo Trace (which is Pappy Van Winkle's much younger sibling).
Sunday: Lemons. Cars. Lots of old cars made with only $500 racing for many many hours. 24 hours in fact. And more sun. MUCH more sun.
This upcoming weekend: MORE SUN!!!!!!!! Also, the beach. And a surprise surf lesson for me that I am actually getting both more excited for, and more frightened about.
Also awesome:
Remember those dinosaur sweatshirts floating around the internet a while ago? I found them here: http://www.mouthman.com/SearchResults.asp. I'm getting TWO OF THEM. No Joke.
Saturday: Beer AND Bourbon AND Barbecue - and SUN and LOTS OF WASPY twenty-somethings (seriously, except for the fact that the boyfriend and I are a slightly too grungy to appear WASPY, we fit in perfectly. Which may be one of the first times that has happened in my life). I found my favorite Bourbon: Pappy Van Winkle (which, unfortunately is insanely expensive because its a 23 year aged bourbon) or, alternatively, Buffalo Trace (which is Pappy Van Winkle's much younger sibling).
Sunday: Lemons. Cars. Lots of old cars made with only $500 racing for many many hours. 24 hours in fact. And more sun. MUCH more sun.
This upcoming weekend: MORE SUN!!!!!!!! Also, the beach. And a surprise surf lesson for me that I am actually getting both more excited for, and more frightened about.
Also awesome:
Remember those dinosaur sweatshirts floating around the internet a while ago? I found them here: http://www.mouthman.com/SearchResults.asp. I'm getting TWO OF THEM. No Joke.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Weekend
FYI- awesome weekend planned.
Beer, Bourbon & Barbecue all Saturday (I mean seriously - is this heaven designed JUST FOR me and the boyfriend? THIS THING EXISTS! ALL DAY! BEER! AND BOURBON! AND COOKED PIG OMG!!!!!) (but I mean, talk about a diet wrecker. whatevs. I'll be skinny in hell).
24 Hours of Lemons on Sunday (crappy-awesome, awesomely-crappy cars going not-so-fast with MORE BEER AND BARBECUE in WEST VIRGINIA) (also, super awesome).
Also awesome: hot tubs, dad's day and NOT having to get a gift for the boyfriend!
Beer, Bourbon & Barbecue all Saturday (I mean seriously - is this heaven designed JUST FOR me and the boyfriend? THIS THING EXISTS! ALL DAY! BEER! AND BOURBON! AND COOKED PIG OMG!!!!!) (but I mean, talk about a diet wrecker. whatevs. I'll be skinny in hell).
24 Hours of Lemons on Sunday (crappy-awesome, awesomely-crappy cars going not-so-fast with MORE BEER AND BARBECUE in WEST VIRGINIA) (also, super awesome).
Also awesome: hot tubs, dad's day and NOT having to get a gift for the boyfriend!
Dilema
So, I realize hearing counts of calories and splits of numbers is not interesting, but I am having a very interesting time with it. I will not bore you with it today, however. Although unfortunately my musings are mostly diet-related.
In fact, I have very interesting news. Firstly, the strangeness of the universe - when you commit your mind and self to a path, everything seems to pop up around it. Such as, how once I decided to really do this calorie-count thing, everyone around me starts thinking about it too, and having really interesting conversations.
Secondly, the situation in such that we have come to convince ourselves that we "deserve" bad foods - at the end of the day, after a hard workout, etc. We come home and we say "I have had a terrible day, I DESERVE this drink. or I DESERVE this ice cream", etc. However, if you think really hard, actually, not so hard, that what we are trying to do is reward ourselves. But what our bodies really want as a reward is nutrients, and the vitamins that we depleted by doing whatever hard thing it was that made us deserve the reward. So honestly, we are punishing our bodies by eating this bad food and teaching ourselves that it is a lot harder to be strong than it really is. And what we should be doing is rewarding ourselves with berries, or salads, or shish-kabobs, instead of chips. Or not rewarding ourselves with food at all, but a walk in a park or a conversation with a friend! How Novel! And lovely!
Thirdly, My dilema. I will begin with explaining how wonderful I have been on the training and eating part of my life. Seriously - sleeping on the couch has a way of making it a lot easier to get up in the morning. Great workouts, good runs (if treadmill runs can be so), and wonderful low-calorie food. However, the moon made me tired last night. I had believed that I was staying in town tonight, and therefore slept in and ate a huge breakfast (I am currently tweaking the protein levels) with the thought that I had my meals lined out and I would run after work and it would be awesome! Not so fast there little planner - instead, I forgot about a dinner date in Naptown. So now half my calories are used up, I am super pressed for time, and I still have a restaurant dinner with friends to get to quickly. See what I'm in for? This, my friends, is diet-planning on the quick, for REAL people. Calorie splits for martinis and salads are furiously calculated, a plan is hatched. How interesting! I will be either hungry or boring tonight, or probably both. But I will get it all in like I should! I am learning discipline! HUGE break for me!
In fact, I have very interesting news. Firstly, the strangeness of the universe - when you commit your mind and self to a path, everything seems to pop up around it. Such as, how once I decided to really do this calorie-count thing, everyone around me starts thinking about it too, and having really interesting conversations.
Secondly, the situation in such that we have come to convince ourselves that we "deserve" bad foods - at the end of the day, after a hard workout, etc. We come home and we say "I have had a terrible day, I DESERVE this drink. or I DESERVE this ice cream", etc. However, if you think really hard, actually, not so hard, that what we are trying to do is reward ourselves. But what our bodies really want as a reward is nutrients, and the vitamins that we depleted by doing whatever hard thing it was that made us deserve the reward. So honestly, we are punishing our bodies by eating this bad food and teaching ourselves that it is a lot harder to be strong than it really is. And what we should be doing is rewarding ourselves with berries, or salads, or shish-kabobs, instead of chips. Or not rewarding ourselves with food at all, but a walk in a park or a conversation with a friend! How Novel! And lovely!
Thirdly, My dilema. I will begin with explaining how wonderful I have been on the training and eating part of my life. Seriously - sleeping on the couch has a way of making it a lot easier to get up in the morning. Great workouts, good runs (if treadmill runs can be so), and wonderful low-calorie food. However, the moon made me tired last night. I had believed that I was staying in town tonight, and therefore slept in and ate a huge breakfast (I am currently tweaking the protein levels) with the thought that I had my meals lined out and I would run after work and it would be awesome! Not so fast there little planner - instead, I forgot about a dinner date in Naptown. So now half my calories are used up, I am super pressed for time, and I still have a restaurant dinner with friends to get to quickly. See what I'm in for? This, my friends, is diet-planning on the quick, for REAL people. Calorie splits for martinis and salads are furiously calculated, a plan is hatched. How interesting! I will be either hungry or boring tonight, or probably both. But I will get it all in like I should! I am learning discipline! HUGE break for me!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Fort Reno
IS THE BESTEST EVER!
Mondays and Thursday nights, after work, find me there. Starting the 28th. I'll bring picnics!!! http://fortreno.com/
--- been going since I was around 14... haven't the past few years and LIFE SUCKED. Now, life will be better.
Make your life better too!
Mondays and Thursday nights, after work, find me there. Starting the 28th. I'll bring picnics!!! http://fortreno.com/
--- been going since I was around 14... haven't the past few years and LIFE SUCKED. Now, life will be better.
Make your life better too!
Three smoothies
I made a smoothie today, it is brown. It is very very tasty. It has avacado and spinach and tea and the rasberries make it brown. I am eating it with lentils.
I learned that even if you spend some $ on decent conditioner for your hair, the fact that you use Doc Bronner's as shampoo will cancel out the goodness.
I made another smoothie today, it was pink. It had banana and peaches and flax and chia seeds and yogurt and tea. It was tasty too. I ate it with a bad egg that made me sick later.
Today Robek's is selling 12 oz smoothie's for a Dollar in downtown DC. This will be my third smoothie today.
My plans for the weekend are relatively and for once pretty open - I am terribly terribly excited. I am counting down the hours until I am back up in annapolis. That will be a great moment. Boyfriend and puppy and a working sailboat = very joyful Annelies.
I learned that even if you spend some $ on decent conditioner for your hair, the fact that you use Doc Bronner's as shampoo will cancel out the goodness.
I made another smoothie today, it was pink. It had banana and peaches and flax and chia seeds and yogurt and tea. It was tasty too. I ate it with a bad egg that made me sick later.
Today Robek's is selling 12 oz smoothie's for a Dollar in downtown DC. This will be my third smoothie today.
My plans for the weekend are relatively and for once pretty open - I am terribly terribly excited. I am counting down the hours until I am back up in annapolis. That will be a great moment. Boyfriend and puppy and a working sailboat = very joyful Annelies.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A Chat with Rose
So I’m going to start this out by explaining that I sleep very very well on the couch. It is a magical couch. A magical couch that gives very good sleep - like a fairy.
In other words, apparently this weekend trip to Connecticut – oh yeah, btw, last weekend we went to Connecticut – exhausted me. Makes sense, 20 hours in a car in a period of 60 hours would wear out most people. Today is the first day I can bend my neck again, and yesterday afternoon I thought I would punch someone because I was so hungry/in reality just so tired.
So, I woke up tired today. Also my arches are hurting because I am walking in terrible shoes so much (you needed to know that) and it was lightly drizzling. So I decided to take the bus into the metro instead of walking there. The point, my friends, is that as soon as I walk up to the stop that is directly in front of my building, a kindly asian woman steps up next to me and proceeds to chatter for the next thirty minutes. It was wonderful.
Apparently this woman is the Thaiwanese diplomat for the ministry of education and therefore she was very interested in where I went to school. She spoke of her sons, one who is just graduating from high school and the other who has graduated from an Ohio university and must go back to Thaiwan for their mandatory army service. For a minute I was worried she was going to try to set me up with him.
She talked about how fabulous she thought the Bay Bridge was, how the GPS took her to the wrong spot in Annapolis and therefore she turned around and went home without seeing the Naval Academy, and how she still has not gone up to Baltimore. We bonded over how our fathers refused to teach us their native languages, and how her son learned English so well because he too is a chatterbox, just like her.
Rose, the diplomat, also talked about her previous service in Australia and how the kangaroos were so big they damage your car when you run into them – like deer. She was also, apparently, stationed in Saudi Arabia. Her husband is currently stationed in Canada.
This is yet another reason why I love living here. Because I can wake up tired and end up having a thirty minute conversation with a friendly, strong and smart Thaiwanese Diplomat. Thanks DC. You rock!
In other words, apparently this weekend trip to Connecticut – oh yeah, btw, last weekend we went to Connecticut – exhausted me. Makes sense, 20 hours in a car in a period of 60 hours would wear out most people. Today is the first day I can bend my neck again, and yesterday afternoon I thought I would punch someone because I was so hungry/in reality just so tired.
So, I woke up tired today. Also my arches are hurting because I am walking in terrible shoes so much (you needed to know that) and it was lightly drizzling. So I decided to take the bus into the metro instead of walking there. The point, my friends, is that as soon as I walk up to the stop that is directly in front of my building, a kindly asian woman steps up next to me and proceeds to chatter for the next thirty minutes. It was wonderful.
Apparently this woman is the Thaiwanese diplomat for the ministry of education and therefore she was very interested in where I went to school. She spoke of her sons, one who is just graduating from high school and the other who has graduated from an Ohio university and must go back to Thaiwan for their mandatory army service. For a minute I was worried she was going to try to set me up with him.
She talked about how fabulous she thought the Bay Bridge was, how the GPS took her to the wrong spot in Annapolis and therefore she turned around and went home without seeing the Naval Academy, and how she still has not gone up to Baltimore. We bonded over how our fathers refused to teach us their native languages, and how her son learned English so well because he too is a chatterbox, just like her.
Rose, the diplomat, also talked about her previous service in Australia and how the kangaroos were so big they damage your car when you run into them – like deer. She was also, apparently, stationed in Saudi Arabia. Her husband is currently stationed in Canada.
This is yet another reason why I love living here. Because I can wake up tired and end up having a thirty minute conversation with a friendly, strong and smart Thaiwanese Diplomat. Thanks DC. You rock!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
what a distraction the body is
It is becoming ever more obvious to me what a distraction the body is. We spend all of our time paying court to it – feeding it, grooming it, listening to its desires. What a shame that in a peaceful, quiet walk on a beautiful day I must be bombarded with messages from the flesh! “Oh, it’s a little too hot in the sun. And now your pants are riding up to create a rather uncomfortable situation. Did you eat a little too much at dinner the other day?” is all I hear! And when we are looking back on pictures from past experiences, we spend so much time worrying about whether the body appeared to be beautiful!
Perhaps I just now understand this element of yoga that purports this theme, that it is through constant study that we can learn to “turn off” our awareness of our body’s signals. Through diligence and conscious actions we can figure out how to go for a walk and not hear those body thoughts, but instead, simply notice the trees or the birds singing or the comfort of a held hand. This, my friends, is my fitness goal – to turn off my body.
Perhaps I just now understand this element of yoga that purports this theme, that it is through constant study that we can learn to “turn off” our awareness of our body’s signals. Through diligence and conscious actions we can figure out how to go for a walk and not hear those body thoughts, but instead, simply notice the trees or the birds singing or the comfort of a held hand. This, my friends, is my fitness goal – to turn off my body.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Insomnia
Three days now
Is it the heat? I think perhaps it is the impending move. I believe I get insomnia at most major changes - I cannot say for sure, though, because it is one of those psychosomatic events that I can convince myself of. Such as, perhaps I do not always get insomnia, but because I am so tired, and I have a history of convincing myself of things, I can say to myself "of course, I always get insomnia".
Am I worried? No.
Excited? yes! about what?: ALL OF IT!
Moving, tomorrow's party, the new puppy-that-turns-out-to-be-a-girl, possible sailing in the near future, next week's trip to connecticut, SUMMER!
Summer things I am excited about: growing things, sitting on the balcony with margaritas, enjoying air conditioning, sitting in the library, getting really really sweaty on purpose and then swimming in the creek (and ignoring how filthy it is), cold beers and simple food, barbecues, long dinners with friends, lots of time outside at night, parties!, trips, beaches!, walking the dog
etc.
Is it the heat? I think perhaps it is the impending move. I believe I get insomnia at most major changes - I cannot say for sure, though, because it is one of those psychosomatic events that I can convince myself of. Such as, perhaps I do not always get insomnia, but because I am so tired, and I have a history of convincing myself of things, I can say to myself "of course, I always get insomnia".
Am I worried? No.
Excited? yes! about what?: ALL OF IT!
Moving, tomorrow's party, the new puppy-that-turns-out-to-be-a-girl, possible sailing in the near future, next week's trip to connecticut, SUMMER!
Summer things I am excited about: growing things, sitting on the balcony with margaritas, enjoying air conditioning, sitting in the library, getting really really sweaty on purpose and then swimming in the creek (and ignoring how filthy it is), cold beers and simple food, barbecues, long dinners with friends, lots of time outside at night, parties!, trips, beaches!, walking the dog
etc.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friends
I have these beautiful women in my life who appear fatefully as soon as I need them. They all articulate different aspects of my life, but bring with them an awareness of those aspects like an aura. They are kind of gurus to me - their presence breaks up the spiritual knots and gives me an opportunity to explore these areas when they go.
I have had the opportunity in the past few months to spend time with all of them, and they have given me a great spiritual massage.
Whenever I am feeling particularly frustrated in my life, these women materialize. When they leave, the change I need seems ever more possible, ever more necessary, and clear as a bell.
Their love reminds me of all I have to offer as a human being, all that is in my power to be in my life. They are sending me the love of the universe with their smiles.
Thank you!
I have had the opportunity in the past few months to spend time with all of them, and they have given me a great spiritual massage.
Whenever I am feeling particularly frustrated in my life, these women materialize. When they leave, the change I need seems ever more possible, ever more necessary, and clear as a bell.
Their love reminds me of all I have to offer as a human being, all that is in my power to be in my life. They are sending me the love of the universe with their smiles.
Thank you!
Great weekend
Soon I will extol for you the virtues of specific friends of mine, but for now I want to explain how fantastic this past week has been in my life.
Quick moral of the story: life is changing, and I am going to work with it.
First of all, my friend L from Florida came up to celebrate her birthday. How lucky I am that I have these beautiful women willing to put in so much effort to let me help them celebrate their birthdays! I cannot explain much of a gift this is to me that I can be with them. This visit, I threw a party, a joint Birthday party and Going Away party. I had a lot of fun. I have so many beautiful friends that make me happy – my brother and his friends showed up, my friends from St John’s, my boyfriend was there, and several others that made me giddy in their presence. We played kings, we drank, there was a pool that was very very cold. Thank you all for helping me love this apartment that I am leaving just a little bit more!
Second of all, my boyfriends’ family just got a new puppy. An 8 –week old as yet unnamed puppy that I have completely fallen in love with. Thoroughly. Joy! Super cool that I get to spend my weekends with this loving furball (I mean, the canine one, not my boyfriend ;-) )!
Third of all, this is my last week in the apartment. I work a few nights this week as a cook for a family, and the other nights I must move my large record collection and remaining clothes to my moms. I am growing more and more excited about this move – I am treating it as a giant lifestyle change.
I realized that, by making this move, I am making a thorough commitment to myself to continue with this Westerly adventure planned for the fall. And if I am making this commitment, I better commit to the rest of the elements necessary to make it as perfect as possible. Such as – get myself into shape, save all the money I can, learn some things.
Okay, so you may be saying “Annelies, aren’t these the exact same goals you always have, that you come back to this blog and report that you have not been committing yourself to them as much as you would like?”. My answer is: yes.
However, I have not made such a great commitment to this lifestyle I believe I am failing at living since paying for the marathon. I am spending this week coming up with specific habits I want to change and specific goals to enact upon my move to ensure the success of the change.
Quick moral of the story: life is changing, and I am going to work with it.
First of all, my friend L from Florida came up to celebrate her birthday. How lucky I am that I have these beautiful women willing to put in so much effort to let me help them celebrate their birthdays! I cannot explain much of a gift this is to me that I can be with them. This visit, I threw a party, a joint Birthday party and Going Away party. I had a lot of fun. I have so many beautiful friends that make me happy – my brother and his friends showed up, my friends from St John’s, my boyfriend was there, and several others that made me giddy in their presence. We played kings, we drank, there was a pool that was very very cold. Thank you all for helping me love this apartment that I am leaving just a little bit more!
Second of all, my boyfriends’ family just got a new puppy. An 8 –week old as yet unnamed puppy that I have completely fallen in love with. Thoroughly. Joy! Super cool that I get to spend my weekends with this loving furball (I mean, the canine one, not my boyfriend ;-) )!
Third of all, this is my last week in the apartment. I work a few nights this week as a cook for a family, and the other nights I must move my large record collection and remaining clothes to my moms. I am growing more and more excited about this move – I am treating it as a giant lifestyle change.
I realized that, by making this move, I am making a thorough commitment to myself to continue with this Westerly adventure planned for the fall. And if I am making this commitment, I better commit to the rest of the elements necessary to make it as perfect as possible. Such as – get myself into shape, save all the money I can, learn some things.
Okay, so you may be saying “Annelies, aren’t these the exact same goals you always have, that you come back to this blog and report that you have not been committing yourself to them as much as you would like?”. My answer is: yes.
However, I have not made such a great commitment to this lifestyle I believe I am failing at living since paying for the marathon. I am spending this week coming up with specific habits I want to change and specific goals to enact upon my move to ensure the success of the change.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Croquet and Radish Goat
Boyfriend looks kinda upset - I believe this was after a significant amount of beer and champagne and at that point I make him take pictures of me and he gets annoyed at me, with good reason. The Weeping Radish goat is my new mascot.
Breakfast
Lately
has been a smoothie made of : banana, strawberry, flax seeds, cranberry juice and spinach,
along with a blended drink made of : kale juice, melon, home-made ginger ale, lemon juice and parsley.
It's amazing. I am acquiring super-powers from it. You should try it.
has been a smoothie made of : banana, strawberry, flax seeds, cranberry juice and spinach,
along with a blended drink made of : kale juice, melon, home-made ginger ale, lemon juice and parsley.
It's amazing. I am acquiring super-powers from it. You should try it.
TV
I watch a lot of TV on the internet. This will stop presently.
So far, I've found many shows that I really love. Unfortunately they were all made five years ago and have been canceled since then. It's like your parents decided to fall asleep in the middle of reading you a great bedtime story.
So far, I've found many shows that I really love. Unfortunately they were all made five years ago and have been canceled since then. It's like your parents decided to fall asleep in the middle of reading you a great bedtime story.
Training
I FINALLY FOUND A TEACHER TRAINING TO DO!
By this point next year I will earning mad money teaching people how to be gumby. maybe i'll even teach you!!! best part: the training is in nassau. that's right - i'll be living in the bahamas for a month. I WIN!
time to celebrate. bring on the wine!
By this point next year I will earning mad money teaching people how to be gumby. maybe i'll even teach you!!! best part: the training is in nassau. that's right - i'll be living in the bahamas for a month. I WIN!
time to celebrate. bring on the wine!
Friday, May 7, 2010
apt
on ANother note-
if anybody knows of anybody looking into the DC area that would love such a wonderful, cute, convenient, cheap, and lovely place as that which I have been living in, and seems like they would get along with my lovely and agreeable roommate, let us know. we are open to suggestions.
if anybody knows of anybody looking into the DC area that would love such a wonderful, cute, convenient, cheap, and lovely place as that which I have been living in, and seems like they would get along with my lovely and agreeable roommate, let us know. we are open to suggestions.
huge decision, and three weeks of independence left
So this past week has blown my mind. I made a pretty huge decision that is pretty crazy. I am moving back in with my mom and brother.
Okay, big deal you say, haven’t half of us reading done that?
True, except your mom and brother did not move into a smaller space when you were 20 years old so that, by moving back in with them, you are quite literally choosing between a bed on the living room couch, or sharing a bed with your mother.
Yeah, so that’s what’s happening. The largest anxiety-inducing factor in my life this past year has been money, and I have tried everything I can think of to change the fact that I am spending all of it on bills: tried to sell my car, got another job, stopped buying food, and now I am moving out of the apartment. And believe me, there is nothing that reminds you so well what a sweet situation you have than by moving in with your family.
On the one hand, I am SO SUPER EXCITED because this change will solve SO MANY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!! And on the other hand, I realized last night that the next three weeks very well may be the last three weeks that I have any element of personal privacy EVER IN MY LIFE. Seriously, think about it. I will move from here to my mom’s couch. And then out west with the boyfriend. And if all goes well I will never be living alone again. And then there will be children, and privacy will be a big joke told alongside stories about when you were younger and used to drink until dawn and hadn’t thought of what retirement plan to contribute to yet.
Great things about moving in with mom:
- washer dryer
- full kitchen with all possible appliances
- gym in the basement
- NO RENT
- full balcony with lots of sun
- I can save enough $ to travel for a month or two when I leave
- NO RENT
- parking
- right on the metro
- giant across the street
- I can save enough $ to pay off all my minor debts
- I’ll be forced to spend time with friends so I can get some space from the brother
- 1.5 mile walk to downtown Bethesda
- I can save enough $ to possibly go to teacher training in the winter or next spring
- NO RENT
- lots of mother/daughter bonding
- forced to go through all my shizzle and get rid of things unnecessary
- NO RENT
- I am super comfortable running around the neighborhood at night because, lets be honest, I am surrounded by white Catholics who either babysat my mother, babysat me, babysat WITH me, or who I have babysat, also their Hispanic nannies.
- I can save enough $ to go do yoga after work
Not-so-great things about living at my moms:
- Mom and Kees are MESSIER than I am (honestly, that’s pretty much everybody in the world sometimes)
- No privacy
- Boyfriend cannot stay over
- I can’t sleep on my own mattress
- possible back pain from where I WILL be sleeping
- extra bus ride to the metro in the morning
- need to overly label all my food so brother will not eat it, and still risk it disappearing
- the building superintendant has a lot to fix in the apartment
- no space for my stuff
All of the above can be dealt with by patience, patience, and the knowledge that this is UBER temporary.
And honestly, if moving out west with the boyfriend is something I want to do so badly, than HELLLZ YES I will live with two of my favs people ever for a while to make that happen!
Okay, big deal you say, haven’t half of us reading done that?
True, except your mom and brother did not move into a smaller space when you were 20 years old so that, by moving back in with them, you are quite literally choosing between a bed on the living room couch, or sharing a bed with your mother.
Yeah, so that’s what’s happening. The largest anxiety-inducing factor in my life this past year has been money, and I have tried everything I can think of to change the fact that I am spending all of it on bills: tried to sell my car, got another job, stopped buying food, and now I am moving out of the apartment. And believe me, there is nothing that reminds you so well what a sweet situation you have than by moving in with your family.
On the one hand, I am SO SUPER EXCITED because this change will solve SO MANY PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!! And on the other hand, I realized last night that the next three weeks very well may be the last three weeks that I have any element of personal privacy EVER IN MY LIFE. Seriously, think about it. I will move from here to my mom’s couch. And then out west with the boyfriend. And if all goes well I will never be living alone again. And then there will be children, and privacy will be a big joke told alongside stories about when you were younger and used to drink until dawn and hadn’t thought of what retirement plan to contribute to yet.
Great things about moving in with mom:
- washer dryer
- full kitchen with all possible appliances
- gym in the basement
- NO RENT
- full balcony with lots of sun
- I can save enough $ to travel for a month or two when I leave
- NO RENT
- parking
- right on the metro
- giant across the street
- I can save enough $ to pay off all my minor debts
- I’ll be forced to spend time with friends so I can get some space from the brother
- 1.5 mile walk to downtown Bethesda
- I can save enough $ to possibly go to teacher training in the winter or next spring
- NO RENT
- lots of mother/daughter bonding
- forced to go through all my shizzle and get rid of things unnecessary
- NO RENT
- I am super comfortable running around the neighborhood at night because, lets be honest, I am surrounded by white Catholics who either babysat my mother, babysat me, babysat WITH me, or who I have babysat, also their Hispanic nannies.
- I can save enough $ to go do yoga after work
Not-so-great things about living at my moms:
- Mom and Kees are MESSIER than I am (honestly, that’s pretty much everybody in the world sometimes)
- No privacy
- Boyfriend cannot stay over
- I can’t sleep on my own mattress
- possible back pain from where I WILL be sleeping
- extra bus ride to the metro in the morning
- need to overly label all my food so brother will not eat it, and still risk it disappearing
- the building superintendant has a lot to fix in the apartment
- no space for my stuff
All of the above can be dealt with by patience, patience, and the knowledge that this is UBER temporary.
And honestly, if moving out west with the boyfriend is something I want to do so badly, than HELLLZ YES I will live with two of my favs people ever for a while to make that happen!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Things i love right now
Mushroom tarts
Pomegranate
Rich cheeses
Small pieces of asparagus
Salmon with capers
Deep curried lentils
Home made gingerale
Squash pancakes
Home made breads
Pieces of blood orange
Fresh berries
Scents of lemon and bergamot
Tomato salsa and guacamole
Homemade sweet potato chips
Bourbon chocolate pudding
Hummus
Turkey meat balls cooked in tomatoes
Jasmine rice with turmeric
Lightly salted cooked lima beans with mint
Beef kebobs
Bright beers
Well mashed potatoes with garlic
Fresh toast
Pomegranate
Rich cheeses
Small pieces of asparagus
Salmon with capers
Deep curried lentils
Home made gingerale
Squash pancakes
Home made breads
Pieces of blood orange
Fresh berries
Scents of lemon and bergamot
Tomato salsa and guacamole
Homemade sweet potato chips
Bourbon chocolate pudding
Hummus
Turkey meat balls cooked in tomatoes
Jasmine rice with turmeric
Lightly salted cooked lima beans with mint
Beef kebobs
Bright beers
Well mashed potatoes with garlic
Fresh toast
Fav person
We have a client who is a favorite person of mine. He is older than middle aged, getting close to 70 years old. He has white hair and an incredible history of perseverance. He was a refugee of his home country in the Middle East, one son among about twelve children left to find their way in warring countries. He learned economics and architecture and business and built an empire from the ground up based on lucky real estate investments at the height of the Middle Eastern oil boom. He was an infamous bachelor with a hard party lifestyle. And then, at 65, he met a beautiful American woman who was around 30 years old. They married, and within five years he had five children – two kids and a set of triplets. Now he spends his time moving back and forth from Costa Rica, London, France, and the US so that he does not have to pay taxes here. He calls frequently to chat with my boss, and speaks in a long drawl of well thought out sentences peppered with a laugh just behind the words. He walks slowly and often, and when he visits, such as now, he takes my boss away for several hour long lunches and stops by for a three hour visit. He likes to chat.
My point, my friends, is that his cell phone just rang. The ringer was a rap song. He is a favorite person of mine.
My point, my friends, is that his cell phone just rang. The ringer was a rap song. He is a favorite person of mine.
Alcohol melts worries like plastic
I spent most of yesterday writing a series of posts on how to Transform yourself. Basically, it was about how to sit down and look at yourself critically in order to figure out who you are and where you want to go in life. Since it is spring, I have been feeling the need to clean. This includes character cleaning. What habits do I hate? What am I great at? Who do I want to be?
So this was a four-post series, with instructions on how to do charts and things like that. I even drew up my own charts that I was planning on scanning for both instructional purposes and for the sake of endless self displaying.
However, my good friend J came in from Annapolis and took me out of work and we went to happy hour. We began the evening lamenting the economy, how we feel we stuck and going nowhere. We spoke about how we feel we are wasting our time, how we are accomplishing nothing in our lives right now. Then we ordered another drink. And another. Then her boyfriend showed up and my roommate showed up and the night really began. We ordered more drinks. And some food. And more drinks. And dessert. The bill was astronomical, which is hilarious as we went to this restaurant because it was cheap. It was also hilarious because of the previous conversation that also mentioned how broke we are. And when I say hilarious, I am not being sarcastic. I am still laughing.
Well, in the course of this evening we joked, we laughed. I threw hot sauce on J’s boyfriend and gave him a rash and a stained shirt. You know, the usual. We were given a free tiramisu (It was huge) because the restaurant is full of nice waiters and there were few other people around and they find it hilarious when I go there and get smashed, which happens with my mother quite a bit. J and I made friends with a homeless man. We had a lot of trouble doing the math on our bill. We loved our waitress.
On the way home I had a bunch of word vomit to my roommate about nonsense regarding Transformation and self awareness and sticking up for yourself and all that jazz. It would have been wonderful to see a video of me stopping her in the middle of the road and shaking her shoulders and proclaiming things such as “You MUST figure out WHO you ARE in your life! You MUST be STRONG! You MUST LOVE YOURSELF”.
We got home at a time that is relatively early compared to my new standard of 12:30 am. So I went through all the clothes the roommate is throwing out, opened a few beers, and proceeded to watch Glee on the computer until 12 AM. At this point I did a lot of facebook perusing, and had an emotional breakdown. I called a bunch of my west coast friends that I never talk to because of the time difference, but they did not pick up. I had some kind of crisis of faith in relation to how I approach love in my life, and what I am doing with my magical boyfriend, and the future, and all that one worries about when tired and really quite drunk.
I was miserable! I almost cried myself to sleep. I spilled candle wax all over the floor, and my bathrobe (long story. It was an accident). I woke up, realized I was probably still a little drunk but felt great anyway.
And what I mean by great, is GREAT. Seriously I have not owned this much confidence in myself, ever. I feel right now the way that I always assumed that the models in magazines with the perfect hair and clothes, the women walking down the street in power suits with great big smiles and paychecks, the really thin girls with the effortlessly chic wardrobes, all of them, feel. I feel right now the way I always expected to feel if only I lost ten pounds, or had a few extra dollars to buy those new jeans, or made more money, or was more successful. It is as if, for once, I am truly whole.
The worries about my relationship as it relates to myself? Gone. Feeling like I should lose weight? Gone. Thinking that perhaps my wardrobe is outdated, or that I do not go on enough fantastic vacations, or that I am not productive enough in my hobbies? All gone.
The sun is out, I have a great cup of tea in front of me (and a mostly eaten bag of the ridiculously addictive salty-and-sweet popcorn I found at CVS that will be the death of me), I will go hiking this weekend. I will no longer post the long diatribe about self-discovery. My advice: go get really drunk with good friends, spend all your money, be silly and loud and concerned, worry everything out of your system. Maybe cry yourself to sleep. And when you wake up, all the alcohol will have melted away those worries like acid through plastic.
I am perfectly, one hundred-percent, absolutely content. This, my friends, is what true joy feels like!
So this was a four-post series, with instructions on how to do charts and things like that. I even drew up my own charts that I was planning on scanning for both instructional purposes and for the sake of endless self displaying.
However, my good friend J came in from Annapolis and took me out of work and we went to happy hour. We began the evening lamenting the economy, how we feel we stuck and going nowhere. We spoke about how we feel we are wasting our time, how we are accomplishing nothing in our lives right now. Then we ordered another drink. And another. Then her boyfriend showed up and my roommate showed up and the night really began. We ordered more drinks. And some food. And more drinks. And dessert. The bill was astronomical, which is hilarious as we went to this restaurant because it was cheap. It was also hilarious because of the previous conversation that also mentioned how broke we are. And when I say hilarious, I am not being sarcastic. I am still laughing.
Well, in the course of this evening we joked, we laughed. I threw hot sauce on J’s boyfriend and gave him a rash and a stained shirt. You know, the usual. We were given a free tiramisu (It was huge) because the restaurant is full of nice waiters and there were few other people around and they find it hilarious when I go there and get smashed, which happens with my mother quite a bit. J and I made friends with a homeless man. We had a lot of trouble doing the math on our bill. We loved our waitress.
On the way home I had a bunch of word vomit to my roommate about nonsense regarding Transformation and self awareness and sticking up for yourself and all that jazz. It would have been wonderful to see a video of me stopping her in the middle of the road and shaking her shoulders and proclaiming things such as “You MUST figure out WHO you ARE in your life! You MUST be STRONG! You MUST LOVE YOURSELF”.
We got home at a time that is relatively early compared to my new standard of 12:30 am. So I went through all the clothes the roommate is throwing out, opened a few beers, and proceeded to watch Glee on the computer until 12 AM. At this point I did a lot of facebook perusing, and had an emotional breakdown. I called a bunch of my west coast friends that I never talk to because of the time difference, but they did not pick up. I had some kind of crisis of faith in relation to how I approach love in my life, and what I am doing with my magical boyfriend, and the future, and all that one worries about when tired and really quite drunk.
I was miserable! I almost cried myself to sleep. I spilled candle wax all over the floor, and my bathrobe (long story. It was an accident). I woke up, realized I was probably still a little drunk but felt great anyway.
And what I mean by great, is GREAT. Seriously I have not owned this much confidence in myself, ever. I feel right now the way that I always assumed that the models in magazines with the perfect hair and clothes, the women walking down the street in power suits with great big smiles and paychecks, the really thin girls with the effortlessly chic wardrobes, all of them, feel. I feel right now the way I always expected to feel if only I lost ten pounds, or had a few extra dollars to buy those new jeans, or made more money, or was more successful. It is as if, for once, I am truly whole.
The worries about my relationship as it relates to myself? Gone. Feeling like I should lose weight? Gone. Thinking that perhaps my wardrobe is outdated, or that I do not go on enough fantastic vacations, or that I am not productive enough in my hobbies? All gone.
The sun is out, I have a great cup of tea in front of me (and a mostly eaten bag of the ridiculously addictive salty-and-sweet popcorn I found at CVS that will be the death of me), I will go hiking this weekend. I will no longer post the long diatribe about self-discovery. My advice: go get really drunk with good friends, spend all your money, be silly and loud and concerned, worry everything out of your system. Maybe cry yourself to sleep. And when you wake up, all the alcohol will have melted away those worries like acid through plastic.
I am perfectly, one hundred-percent, absolutely content. This, my friends, is what true joy feels like!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Running makes me a terrible friend
A few new advancements in my life:
(you know, because it’s not busy enough)
I have picked up a second job at a Saxby’s coffee shop in Georgetown. I work with a bunch of girls, some GTown students/alumns, some not, but all really pretty cool and either working or studying full time like me. I serve coffee to a bunch of overly coordinated girls who look grossed out by the world and overly pretty boys who look like the world is sitting on their bed with its legs open. There are some cool people I serve coffee to. We have a fro-yo machine that is really tasty. And I don’t have to say words like “grande” or “frappuccino”, but I do have to say “fro-yo” and “fro-latte”.
I have decided that running makes me a bad girlfriend. While it amps up my confidence in some ways, it also shortens my muscles a lot. This means that I am holding all negative feelings deep inside these muscles until I can’t handle it anymore. Also, when I am not running, I feel bad that I am not dedicated enough and I have too much energy and become very very annoying. So, running basically turns me into an obnoxiously peppy yet very afraid and untrusting person that gets really annoyed by other people and complains a lot. This is compared to me with a regular yoga practice, that takes all these fears that I recognize from my muscles and acknowledge them, becoming less energetic but nicer and happier. Think about it: me last spring/summer with a daily yoga practice (freak-outs: zero), and me this spring no yoga but regular running (Freak-outs: a bazillion). And this takes into account that there is an equal number of things to freak out about this year as there were last year. QED.
So, taking into account the fact that I now work 60 hours a week and will become more and more sleep deprived, as well as the fact that I have placed my otherwise solid relationship in total jeopardy (JK!! We’re still great. I’ve just been pretty terribly obnoxious lately), I am placing my intense ultra-marathon plans on the sidelines and reverting to my original plan for after the marathon to focus on yoga.
This should make me a happier person. Now I just have to figure out how to repair the damage I have made by being an insane girlfriend and a constantly complaining friend. Anybody for home-made bath salts? How about a big baking party at my house?
(you know, because it’s not busy enough)
I have picked up a second job at a Saxby’s coffee shop in Georgetown. I work with a bunch of girls, some GTown students/alumns, some not, but all really pretty cool and either working or studying full time like me. I serve coffee to a bunch of overly coordinated girls who look grossed out by the world and overly pretty boys who look like the world is sitting on their bed with its legs open. There are some cool people I serve coffee to. We have a fro-yo machine that is really tasty. And I don’t have to say words like “grande” or “frappuccino”, but I do have to say “fro-yo” and “fro-latte”.
I have decided that running makes me a bad girlfriend. While it amps up my confidence in some ways, it also shortens my muscles a lot. This means that I am holding all negative feelings deep inside these muscles until I can’t handle it anymore. Also, when I am not running, I feel bad that I am not dedicated enough and I have too much energy and become very very annoying. So, running basically turns me into an obnoxiously peppy yet very afraid and untrusting person that gets really annoyed by other people and complains a lot. This is compared to me with a regular yoga practice, that takes all these fears that I recognize from my muscles and acknowledge them, becoming less energetic but nicer and happier. Think about it: me last spring/summer with a daily yoga practice (freak-outs: zero), and me this spring no yoga but regular running (Freak-outs: a bazillion). And this takes into account that there is an equal number of things to freak out about this year as there were last year. QED.
So, taking into account the fact that I now work 60 hours a week and will become more and more sleep deprived, as well as the fact that I have placed my otherwise solid relationship in total jeopardy (JK!! We’re still great. I’ve just been pretty terribly obnoxious lately), I am placing my intense ultra-marathon plans on the sidelines and reverting to my original plan for after the marathon to focus on yoga.
This should make me a happier person. Now I just have to figure out how to repair the damage I have made by being an insane girlfriend and a constantly complaining friend. Anybody for home-made bath salts? How about a big baking party at my house?
Monday, April 26, 2010
New Goal Questions
So, I have many options.
First, i thought I could try for a mid-june half mary and PR at sub 2:00 (the idea being that 7 weeks is enough time to cut my time down that low with my current running level)
Second, I realized there is the Baltimore Festival in October (Marine Corps is closed, BOO) which gives me MUCHO time for marathon training #2.
Third, I have a second job, which gives me LESS TIME to train. So, instead of combining options First AND Second, I could run the 1st 1/2 Mary for a base, and go for a BQ at the B-More 1/2, and wait for next year to do another Full.
Fourth, Tahoe has a 3 Mary WEEKEND around September. I'm thinking - a Triple Mary for 2011? That would push me into Ultra category, which is pretty cool, but doable? Maybe.
See, none of these goals really are that ridiculous, the question is just how DEDICATED I want to be with the whole 6-am 8-mile run thing.
I'm trying it out this week. I'll keep you updated.
First, i thought I could try for a mid-june half mary and PR at sub 2:00 (the idea being that 7 weeks is enough time to cut my time down that low with my current running level)
Second, I realized there is the Baltimore Festival in October (Marine Corps is closed, BOO) which gives me MUCHO time for marathon training #2.
Third, I have a second job, which gives me LESS TIME to train. So, instead of combining options First AND Second, I could run the 1st 1/2 Mary for a base, and go for a BQ at the B-More 1/2, and wait for next year to do another Full.
Fourth, Tahoe has a 3 Mary WEEKEND around September. I'm thinking - a Triple Mary for 2011? That would push me into Ultra category, which is pretty cool, but doable? Maybe.
See, none of these goals really are that ridiculous, the question is just how DEDICATED I want to be with the whole 6-am 8-mile run thing.
I'm trying it out this week. I'll keep you updated.
Friday, April 23, 2010
This week of my life SO does not count.
This week of my life SO does not count. At all. I have been staying up late drinking wine, eating hot dogs for breakfast, I hadn’t even unpacked until Monday night. I saw two great old friends of mine – apart from the croquet madness – and went out for my first run since the marathon yesterday (five miles- slightly sluggish but pretty effing awesome otherwise. I have never been on a run where it was so EASY, like moving forward in a run was just like breathing.)
I am SO TIRED. And hungry. I have let myself eat ANYTHING I WANT all week – which includes, as said, hot dogs for breakfast and two pieces of cheesecake for lunch, and half a pizza for dinner. And a sleeve of ritz crackers for a snack, etc. I just have no energy to think about things like food, or moving. I just want to sit and watch television and drink my wine (wait – how is that different than normal? Oh right, its not. I’m a lazy ass. whatevs). However, I have written out for myself a new diet-thing for next week and a whole new training plan which I have decided not to reveal to anyone as a change of course.
For the first time that I remember in my life, I have been eating what I want and gaining weight and NOT CARING AT ALL. Like, I mean, at all. Not one ounce. Not one thought against “and… I rule”. The extreme pride from finishing that damn race has self-approval running all through my veins. I will extrapolate on how wonderful I feel from this accomplishment at another time, since it is still sinking in.
I am excited about this diet – now, you may be wondering “dieting, annelies, really? You don’t need to. They don’t work. These diets are so against all sensible eating habits and its bad”. Here are my responses, in order: “I know I don’t need to. I’m not doing it to lose weight cuz there’s no weight I need to lose. I am, however, FASCINATED with structured diets. I can’t figure out what works for me if I don’t try different combinations. The direct relationship between food and performance and energy and happiness is worth experimentation to me, and since I know what is good and what is bad, it is a calculated risk.” I am excited. Lots of protein. Lots of vegetables. Quite the opposite from my vegan experiment a few years ago. Even though I felt the best while vegan, it was so much energy going into figuring out what I was going to eat that it became unrealistic in a world where I was working 70+ hours a week. Someday I would love to reconsider it, but I don’t believe the boyfriend would go for it. Also, I think eating locally and more farm-based is healthier anyway.
Whatevs. Off to Florida this weekend for a “vacation from my vacation” which is greatly needed. The European adventure certainly was NOT relaxing. But a wedding and a sand and sun and warmth and family is AWESOME. I will cry a lot. I cry at weddings. I also cry a lot when I’m with the boyfriends’ family because they are so awesome and happy and I get overwhelmed with happy. Is that weird?
I am SO TIRED. And hungry. I have let myself eat ANYTHING I WANT all week – which includes, as said, hot dogs for breakfast and two pieces of cheesecake for lunch, and half a pizza for dinner. And a sleeve of ritz crackers for a snack, etc. I just have no energy to think about things like food, or moving. I just want to sit and watch television and drink my wine (wait – how is that different than normal? Oh right, its not. I’m a lazy ass. whatevs). However, I have written out for myself a new diet-thing for next week and a whole new training plan which I have decided not to reveal to anyone as a change of course.
For the first time that I remember in my life, I have been eating what I want and gaining weight and NOT CARING AT ALL. Like, I mean, at all. Not one ounce. Not one thought against “and… I rule”. The extreme pride from finishing that damn race has self-approval running all through my veins. I will extrapolate on how wonderful I feel from this accomplishment at another time, since it is still sinking in.
I am excited about this diet – now, you may be wondering “dieting, annelies, really? You don’t need to. They don’t work. These diets are so against all sensible eating habits and its bad”. Here are my responses, in order: “I know I don’t need to. I’m not doing it to lose weight cuz there’s no weight I need to lose. I am, however, FASCINATED with structured diets. I can’t figure out what works for me if I don’t try different combinations. The direct relationship between food and performance and energy and happiness is worth experimentation to me, and since I know what is good and what is bad, it is a calculated risk.” I am excited. Lots of protein. Lots of vegetables. Quite the opposite from my vegan experiment a few years ago. Even though I felt the best while vegan, it was so much energy going into figuring out what I was going to eat that it became unrealistic in a world where I was working 70+ hours a week. Someday I would love to reconsider it, but I don’t believe the boyfriend would go for it. Also, I think eating locally and more farm-based is healthier anyway.
Whatevs. Off to Florida this weekend for a “vacation from my vacation” which is greatly needed. The European adventure certainly was NOT relaxing. But a wedding and a sand and sun and warmth and family is AWESOME. I will cry a lot. I cry at weddings. I also cry a lot when I’m with the boyfriends’ family because they are so awesome and happy and I get overwhelmed with happy. Is that weird?
Monday, April 19, 2010
I'm Back
A few of my favorite things from the past two weeks:
- Running, and wanting to run more
- Paris, in the springtime, with my boyfriend
- Wine
- Delta NOT LOSING my bag (JK they totally did. it was awful)
- Getting grounded in Amsterdam (JK about that too. We were the last plane out before the volcano grounded everyone)
- SUN
- CROQUET
- MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS
- the prospect of grocery shopping
- handstands
- the prospect of more yoga
- Rumors (Apparently my boyfriend and I are married. Did you know this? Apparently the wedding was awesome. Elvis showed up. And clowns. Apparently you were there and had a great time.)
- New babies - congrats John and Zach!
- Crossing a bazillion things off my bucket list
- the fact that I leave AGAIN for florida in FOUR DAYS = MORE SUN
- over 340 posts in my google reader to weed through. And its 2:15 and I finished that hours ago
- the gigantic cheesecake plate s. and i bought in order to watch the "16 and pregnant" marathon yesterday
- NOT having a hangover anymore
- my plants
And much more.
- Running, and wanting to run more
- Paris, in the springtime, with my boyfriend
- Wine
- Delta NOT LOSING my bag (JK they totally did. it was awful)
- Getting grounded in Amsterdam (JK about that too. We were the last plane out before the volcano grounded everyone)
- SUN
- CROQUET
- MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS
- the prospect of grocery shopping
- handstands
- the prospect of more yoga
- Rumors (Apparently my boyfriend and I are married. Did you know this? Apparently the wedding was awesome. Elvis showed up. And clowns. Apparently you were there and had a great time.)
- New babies - congrats John and Zach!
- Crossing a bazillion things off my bucket list
- the fact that I leave AGAIN for florida in FOUR DAYS = MORE SUN
- over 340 posts in my google reader to weed through. And its 2:15 and I finished that hours ago
- the gigantic cheesecake plate s. and i bought in order to watch the "16 and pregnant" marathon yesterday
- NOT having a hangover anymore
- my plants
And much more.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Revelations
So I did some research - blogs and asking friends, you know, hard core academic research - about this depression I've been in and yeah.. it's totally normal. Apparently, all the positive chemicals and hormones that are released during my long runs STOP once I am no longer running long runs, such as, like, when I'm tapering. You know, similar to the past few weeks. So without these chemicals and hormones, my body thinks I'm depressed. SO I get angsty and annoying and people can't stand me and I get terribly unhappy. You know, like I have been the past few weeks, when, you know, I've been tapering.
Duh.
Note: They do not think to warn you about this in your training plans or blogs.
Second Note: Knowing this, makes it so much EFFING easier.
Third Note: WHy is it 91 degrees at the beginning of April? WHY???
Also, just a heads up for all you who will see me in the next few weeks that haven't in, like, forever - a few changes so you can't say I didn't warn you. I have a new tattoo. I dyed my hair dark red/brown. I lost half a dress size (that's debatable)in weight. Also, I am happy-looking. Because I am happy.
I leave tomorrow, so next blog post will be all about this:
Running a marathon
Paris in April
April in Paris
Eating in Paris
Seeing good old friends
Loving my boyfriend
Loving my boyfriend's birthday
The fact that literally 20% of my vacation will be spent INSIDE A GODDAMN PLANE
Being sore after a marathon
Drinking wine after a marathon
Drinking wine in Paris
Loving drinking wine with my boyfriend in Paris after a marathon
Get the drift?
Duh.
Note: They do not think to warn you about this in your training plans or blogs.
Second Note: Knowing this, makes it so much EFFING easier.
Third Note: WHy is it 91 degrees at the beginning of April? WHY???
Also, just a heads up for all you who will see me in the next few weeks that haven't in, like, forever - a few changes so you can't say I didn't warn you. I have a new tattoo. I dyed my hair dark red/brown. I lost half a dress size (that's debatable)in weight. Also, I am happy-looking. Because I am happy.
I leave tomorrow, so next blog post will be all about this:
Running a marathon
Paris in April
April in Paris
Eating in Paris
Seeing good old friends
Loving my boyfriend
Loving my boyfriend's birthday
The fact that literally 20% of my vacation will be spent INSIDE A GODDAMN PLANE
Being sore after a marathon
Drinking wine after a marathon
Drinking wine in Paris
Loving drinking wine with my boyfriend in Paris after a marathon
Get the drift?
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