The boy comes home tomorrow (I am as excited as a five year old on their birthday) and I can feel the sweet relief of nearness, the safety of surety and the deep warm arms that will hold all of my worries and pain as far away as possible.
In reflection on the detox that ended on Tuesday, I loved it. I know I did not stick to it religiously, but it did serve to offer a forum for thought into my diet that I had not previously explored. I have come upon several habits that I am gratefully following – One, is the “raw till dinner” principle, where I can have as much veggies and salads and smoothies and fruits and nuts all day, until dinner, when I can have a moderate amount of anything else I want. (I’m sorry if I have relayed this info on the blog previously) So for all of you friends worried I am not eating much, if at all, and am going to be one of those weird raw foodists, worry not! I like the idea that I can stuff all of my veggie and fruit servings in before dark, and fully give myself permission to enjoy ice cream and ravioli and pizza and donuts if I want, and beer and wine, etc. True, it is not the best way to teach children how to eat, but thank zeus, I am no longer a child and know the value of nutrients. Also I have begun to eat breakfast at work, which gives me a full 12 hours between meals which my body enjoys, and it offers me the chance to be quite attentive to what I eat as opposed to rushing out the door. This morning I had a wonderful grapefruit and deeply appreciated the feeling of slicing the layers apart, the smells of the acid and the bright cheery color opposed against the dark gray of the day.
The past few weeks have been thick with the universe pushing me to reflect, telling me there is something to discover in myself and I should listen. I have been resisting, but something has broken through this week and I am now more eager and aware to open my ears to what is being said. I am inspired by the program I found, by the upcoming events in my life that I am forced to contemplate on (the wedding, the funeral, etc), by my friends. I am seeing links between the before-seeming oddities of my life that are stringing together a future, an upwelling to create, more focus on real skill. I think, in all, it is an adult movement.
Still, a need to do more yoga than I am doing, a physical desire to utilize the mornings for movement, and a push towards meditation. It is as if there is a need within me to maintain deliberate stillness, to hold minutes in front of me and ensure intentionality to them, so that every breath matters to its utmost purpose for all it can.
None of this makes sense, which is okay, because I have been reading Dostoevsky and I am upset at the translator (seriously, how many times can you use the phrase “laying it on thick” when you are clearly referring to many different types of dialectical styles?). An interesting note – I am more and more aware of an element of writing I had never considered before. As I listen to my brilliant friends speak of their efforts I realize that I never consider style as I write, I never pace around studying the perfect way to communicate an idea. Instead I just write until it appears on the page. This is not, clearly, the most effective method, and I hope to start utilizing my efforts more towards an efficient, and actually styled, approach. (This blog is an exception - I am clearly writing as a tool for communication and not writing for its own sake, so I make no edits here) Perhaps all of my actions need a more deliberate approach. This at least is what is necessary at work. But what room for flippancy and fun? Where does the lightness and energy of spontaneity reside? Is there space for purposeful impulsiveness?
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