There are fat days where you want to cry and stop eating and lay around wrapped in a mumu or a giant sweater all day because you are seriously too big to fit into any of your clothes well or fit on the metro to go anywhere. That was not yesterday (it was weeks ago when I came back from the beach).
Yesterday was a day where I caught myself in the windows on my way to work, went to the CVS and bought (and then ate) a box of white castle microwave hamburgers and mini ravioli’s, and realized that if I keep eating this way (even if I was hungover) and finding excuses not to run or go to yoga (I know I know my ankle will heal eventually), I will gain weight.
And it was an okay feeling. I realized that I didn’t care. If I wanted to eat white castle hamburgers I would. And then, when I went home, instead of freaking out about it all, I looked at myself in the mirror and said “don’t be silly, Annelies, you’re nowhere near fat”.
So today is a good day and I feel better. I am having an internal fight over this running-in-the-morning thing. I am very good about getting up in the morning, but not so good at doing anything once I do. I love the slow cold mornings and feel like running through it breaks its holiness, and I am also very very stiff so moving is pretty painful in general. Also if I am tired at all, I will not run. I am that lazy. I would not have tripped over that bottle, or sprained my ankle, if it was the end of my run or at any other time of day (I take this to be a sign). But I can’t always run in the evening because I have yoga. And There is no other time for me to go to yoga because they do not offer later classes and I have already paid for all of it.
So, here are options for me:
1) kick myself out of bed in the mornings and run anyway
2) run in the evenings either after yoga or on days when I am not at yoga (which allows me to still hit the 2-yoga-a-week/necessary yoga between runs goals)
The boy leaves tomorrow. I am kind of scared. Also kind of looking forward to it. I have a constant war in my head – I wouldn’t trade him for anything at all (even winning the lottery) (even paying off all my debts and my parent’s debts) (even a lifetime supply of chocolate) BUT I keep thinking that there was so much about being single that I loved. Really loved. And so much that I wish I had now. For example: my own schedule. Planning a weekend around waking up and running and doing yoga and going to the store and cooking and reading and solo-hiking and weird festivals is so much more pleasant than planning a weekend around 40-minute drives and who gets out of work when, or waiting until the other one is awake to go get coffee (this is not a complaint, mind you, about the drive or sleeping in at all. It is just truth).
So I am taking advantage of the next three weeks. Here is what I plan, considering it takes 21 days to make a habit:
- wake up at 6 every day no exceptions and get out of bed. I don’t have to run, but if I don’t run I must do yoga.
- Detox diet: which subsists of raw fruit and veggies, nuts and cooked beans or lentils and herbal tea and at least three days of fasting on a lemonade concoction (I know giles was crazy and I don’t even know if I agree with the whole needing to detox phenomenon especially considering I eat healthy anyway – except for the white castle hamburgers – but I figured I want to know what it’s like. Can’t knock it till you’ve tried it, right?)
- This weekend I am volunteering for the Raw Spirit Festival which will entail a lot of raw food, yoga, and meeting cool hippies. Expect lots of photos. Also I will try to camp there with them on Saturday evening since my shifts end at 10 pm on Sat and start at 8 on Sunday and it’s at the Patuxent 4-H center over by Davidsonville.
- The following weekend is the roommate’s birthday party, and a trip to Philadelphia to see Brendan and my old friend Marissa. I will make sure to eat enough food that I do not pass out while driving.
- The weekend after that is still up in the air, but will include a long run, lots of yoga, and tea.
- After that, Lauren comes in (yay!) and the boy comes back (yay) and Severn Riverkeeper has their benefit that I am volunteering for (yay!) and I should be totally up and awake every morning and cleaned out (so I can go back to the hot dogs, right guys?)
Sound good? Thought so.
I had a great realization this past week that can be summed up to: It’s My Life.
As in, it’s MINE. If I don’t want to wake up every morning and run, I don’t have to. I may face the consequences later, but I don’t have to do it. If I don’t feel like being a dutiful yogi who practices every day and preaches peace to every ant I refuse to step on, I don’t have to. I can do it just to help my back. I am allowed to do it only when I want to. There are no SHOULD’s that I am obliged to pay attention to. I am who I create myself to be. I wish I could communicate the profundity of this realization, since writing it out it seems so simple. But it is a deep and traveling acceptance of self. Perhaps this is why I didn’t cry when I felt fat yesterday.
In other news, Here is a picture I took of myself this morning with my new haircut. Please me lenient, as my hair is not dry yet and I am tired, cranky, in pain, hungry, and cranky (yes, that cranky, twice!).
Also in other news, I have officially begun to advertise for my Study Skills course, called Learning Coach, which will begin in the next few weeks. 8 weekends of 3 hours on saturday morning, telling girls how to take notes. I am uber excited, actually, and think it will be fun and a great test of my tutoring/teaching skills, as well as my course preparation abilities. I am really enjoying preparing for it. I e-mailed all of the administrators at my old high school with an intro letter, a flier, and my resume, and will go post the flier there this weekend. 12 student limit, $750 a course. Perhaps I can buy groceries next month after all!!
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