..It was as if with the rare event of my crying on Friday, I had leaked out a state of attention that left me removed from the world for several days. The world just kept turning, and turned passed me it seemed. I had three separate meals with a pair of friends over the course of 24 hours, journeyed to an old college town, saw the full moon, had walks that strengthened and reminded me of every detail of my love, and played poker that reminded me why I don’t bet. And all of this fell flat of the richness and sensory layers my weekends usually hold. Today it is all back – colors are again dramatic and bright, odors present and sounds perhaps too loud.
This morning I began to feel my future – to sense the onslaught of marriage, parenthood, career, adventure, that waits for me in a few years. Palpable, these screen shots of my life to come are no longer frightening or endemic of anxiety. Instead they are as real as memories, full of emotion and experiences that I have yet to feel in order to recall. Is this the physical feeling of growing up?
Besides this extreme reversal from not-feeling-the-present-at-all, to over-feeling-the-future, I have come upon a new understanding of the pure beauty and fundamental sexiness of CONFIDENCE. I have known its importance, and even experienced it before. But this new knowledge is deep. I feel like I can see the confidence in walkers on the street as a synesthete smells sounds. Is this the awareness of auras?
Confidence has always been a problem for me, but that is changing. This is directly linked with my capabilities, my faith in myself. My pride, however, has never been an issue. My sense of deserving, my awareness of my strength, and my ownership of my own accomplishments have been elements I have clung to in order to get me through my life. I am wary of my future self, however, in that I desire so much and demand a vast presence from this person. I am spending my time in a job that makes me feel small, after spending my college years in classes that made me feel miniscule. My physical awareness of my body is growing, but hardly huge. It is this element of confidence – the knowledge that your abilities exist truly, beyond potential, and beyond past proof, that I am slowly acquiring. I was taught to change the brakes on a car this weekend, I woke up at six and ran like the wind this morning. I have friends whose company brings color to my world. I have a guitar I will one day be able to play for a child, a sewing machine I will quilt a blanket for my future baby. I was given the project of re-building a car engine, and I have found epic physical challenges to test my endurance and movement. Again – is this the physical feeling of growing up?
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