Vices

I saw this on another blog that I follow and found it terribly amusing and interesting. So I will share it with you here. The blogger had been to a job interview and was asked the question “what are two of your faults” to which she promptly made up some good-looking bullshit. Her blog post was about her ACTUAL faults. So here is a list of some (note: some) of mine that I am thinking of right now (you all know these already but they make me laugh):

- I hate the way eating sounds – especially crunchy things. I will leave the room if you are eating chips or carrots, and god help you if you try to eat celery and I am in a bad mood. You will NOT appreciate the death stare.

- I am not terribly hygienic. Yes, I wash my hands in the bathroom, and I brush my teeth one-and-a-half times a day and floss regularly, but I rarely shower. And I am just now appreciating the glories of washed hair.

- If you listen to your music too loudly on the subway (or listen to beyonce, on that note), or pronounce “s” like there is a natural “h” after it (as in the vernacular of ebonix) or are drinking some sort of frappuccino, or chew your gum with your mouth open, or match too much, I will judge you for it.

- Details do not exist in my life. I would rather get a task done quickly so I have more time to dick around than do it to its utter perfection. Unless, of course, it’s something I WANT to do, like cooking, or refinishing furniture, or creating some crazy business plan.

- Money is the oil to my water – I just cannot figure out how to manage it well. This, I am sure, will change. With age. Because, you know, with enough shaking they mix, right?

- I am getting better on this one – with about ten years of work behind me, I can now make a few decisions by myself. Unless I am tired. Or hungry. Then you must do it for me. But for now, I can choose things like: what to buy at the grocery store (sometimes) or how I get to work in the morning (most of the time) and even (!) What to wear (whatever is NOT on the floor).

- I am a chronic underachiever. I figured this out in high school. Basically, if something is simple and easy for me to do it, I won’t do it well. A task or a subject MUST BE SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to do it. And then I will do it pretty damn awesomely. For example: learning Spanish – I am really good at languages so I never bothered to memorize the vocabulary and got B+’s instead of the regular A’s on my report cards. Also, running a marathon: I have two herniated discs, a pinched nerve, and zero discipline, but somehow, I am doing it, and gaining speed while I’m at it. I attribute this aspect to why I am not a Top CIA agent or Nonprofit CEO making megabucks and saving the world right now.

- I am secretly very secretive. Roommates past and present can tell you this. I am on superficially very open and will tell anybody about anything in my life. But if something is actually quite wrong, you will never know unless you pick up on the subtle hints like: I’m not drinking as much or, I find no joy in the word “pancake”. This is getting better too though, as I am making a big effort to be truthful about my emotions.

- I find great pleasure in my vices. I am usually quite pleased at the concept that I drink regularly and smoke sometimes and make great excuses to sit on the couch watching mediocre television instead of doing yoga or going for a run or saving small kittens. I like feeling human, especially when it has to do with a simple decision to do one thing or the other and I know I have power over it. (See the ‘chronic underachiever’ entry above)

So… here are a few. There are a lot more, but I am starving and have all these other things I want to blog about instead, so the rest can wait until you ask me about them.