Thursday Potential

Reading R’s blog post today made me long for simplicity- in the sense that it made me want to sum up parts of my life in a paragraph – and then it made me think about the areas she mentioned. And, I know it must have been hard to write that post, since nobody’s life can be put into paragraphs easily. And I know there is so much more going on in her life than what is described. Yet there is still a luxury in being able to say “this part of my life – improving, this one – stagnant, this one – improving, and that one – not so much” and look at it that way. I think, perhaps my friends, it is time for some self-examination again (always, annelies.. always).

What would the paragraphs even be about? How could I measure success or failure – based on how far I’ve come, or how much I have left to reach my goals? Or both? What would be a highlight to put into it?

Am I trying to write a Christmas Update Letter to myself?

Now that the boy is back I feel centered again – it has been a hard hard week and a half, as if my greatest challenge is waking up and going to bed without beating myself up – and the more time I spend with him the more it seems like a dream, as if it can’t possibly be happening to me, that I can’t possibly have become the person I hoped I would (mostly).

I have three great stressors in my life, and no more: I feel constantly incompetent at work, I cannot find a regular and even running schedule, and I have not yet sold my car. However, I feel that I am moving in a positive direction towards solving all of them, and therefore becoming less and less stressed. The running aspect really makes me feel like I am failing, as I come to desire to run more and more and yet seem to be unable to get out the door. And the car has been an ever-present stress and more and more urgently needs to be finalized. However, I realized today how happy I have been while at this job, and I think I will not be able to look back at it as poorly as I seem to make it out in my head – there is absolutely nothing bad about the job, I just am not passionate about it, and for some reason I am utterly discontent settling for dispassionate in my life – I have too much energy for that. I have too much potential.

I read a great article in the Huffington Post about “who is minding your potential”, that reminded me what a force a person’s “potential” should have in their lives. This is not to say that one should not be “in-the-moment” and always looking forwards towards what they could be doing, but instead it is a very “in-the-moment” activity, of ensuring that this right now, this action, maximizes all that you could be doing. That, perhaps, is our greatest responsibility.