Mondays are hard

I totally embarrassed my boss this morning by accidentally misidentifying a client on the phone – and I didn’t actually misidentify him, I accidentally said the wrong name and before I realized it I had already transferred the client on the telephone. This is a continual problem – not that I misidentify clients, this is the first time I have embarrassed him like that, but disappointing my boss. Usually it is by making a mistake in reconciling an account, or missing a detail on a business letter, or not remembering whether LLC’s have partners and managers or Presidents etc.

I am very done with spending eight hours a day feeling like I am failing my boss at a job that I should be PERFECT at. These are SIMPLE things. Is it just that it is boring and so I must parlay some of my attention to other things in order to keep my attention? Is it the same problems that I have of doing poorly on the simple things while excelling at the difficult? Am I just not good at details?

There is so much I am working towards in improving my life that take time, and I am committed to being where I am right now. But I just do not know how to get over this hurdle of poor performance and disappointment! I have set aside time to focus on each task, I take deep breaths before I do anything. I focus. But I am just not all here. I can’t be or I’d go crazy. This job is just too easy. BUT DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE MAKES ME CRY! And I can’t handle a job where I want to cry three times a day!

I have not been sleeping well – I have been waking up six or seven times in the night from extremely strange and vivid dreams that have little to do with my day – it was suggested to me that perhaps these dreams have more to do with subconscious associations in the day that I am not quite aware of, and that I should try going on a “low information diet” which entails not reading anything but an hour of pleasure reading at night and not listening or watching any news. The problem with that is that I have nothing to do at work, which would leave me an entire six hours of novel reading or personal writing to do a day, and I don’t have that kind of patience or stamina.

This sounds like I am miserable. I am not. It is just February.

Today is my brother’s 22nd birthday. This has been an incredibly productive year for him and I am so terribly proud. I can’t start talking about him now or I will go on forever. And it will put me in a terrible headspace for work.

My friend’s mother died last Monday. And another friends dad is having strokes. I am feeling very resentful lately. Of the positivity of people trying to help me feel better, of the adventures of other lives. I am following the blog of a 16 year old girl trying to make a solo sail around the world – her brother finished last year. I am resentful of her. I am resentful of people who are not on the edge of their seats.

And this is just what I am feeling this very moment. This morning, driving in from Annapolis, the world was the most beautiful place to be. I was welcoming and kind and open and smiling. But this is a Monday feeling, this resentment. And by Friday I will back to gleeful.