Listen to the closets

I read a blog post the other day about “split-second aging”. You know, that one moment when you feel older. It usually happens when you don’t think it will – not when you get married, not when you graduate college, not when you have kids, but when your parent is in the hospital, or you pay all of your bills on time, or you open a retirement account. I have had one of these experiences this past weekend, but perhaps it was not so much as “split-second aging”, as that often comes with fear or confusion or frustration, but as “recognized maturity”.

This recognition came with much desired extras – the release of my fixation on the marriage topic, the awareness of the depth of my grief, the satisfaction in life that makes my boring job and restlessness settle (if only for a moment). After months of stressing over how I will possibly accomplish everything I want to do (will the boy be upset if I just cannot afford Chile? Will Mom be upset if I don’t have the patience to go to law school? What if I don’t want to be here anymore? How can I possibly afford to go to France, how can I possibly find the time or the courage to run?), I released that tension. These questions have not gone away at all, but I have no worries over them – It is my life, anyway, and if other people are upset at me because I said I was going to do one thing and it turns out I can’t, then so be it.

So now what, what’s the next step? Well, I try to squirrel away money. I try to get moving as much as possible. I try to focus on what I love doing – volunteering for water, spending time outside. I try to learn as much about what I love as I can. I focus on what I can do now and not what I may be able to do distantly from now. I have been reading a lot on people’s theories on “how to be happy”, which I always thought was hilarious. Sometimes I feel that being happy is a whole lot of work – having to maintain certain activities, managing stress, finding new challenges etc. But most of the time I feel that being happy is the simplest thing in the world – listen to yourself! That’s it! Listen to what you, the greatest authority on yourself, is telling you to do. Don’t over think it (ahem, annelies), don’t chase it uselessly down meandering roads when it is walking slowly straight in front of you.

And recently I read one post in the midst of all these Happiness articles and streams etc., that focused on Sadness. It was from a Buddhist magazine, touching on how sadness is very much a part of happiness, and even happiness is fleeting (as all moments are and we can ultimately only feel emotion in moments (is this true?) ), and the only way to move beyond unpleasantness is to acknowledge it, embrace it, and let it go. It is often hard to let go of sadness, as we find an easy comfort in indulgence and fear, and moving past it means that we must acknowledge unpleasantness exists. Happiness demands exertion, challenge, quests and growth from passion and breathe. Sadness asks simply for acknowledgement.

But still, it seems easier to me, and much like a responsibility, to follow your passions, to acknowledge where you are in life and pursue it. After all, we are best at what we are passionate about, and what are we here for but not to do all we can with what we have? True, sometimes I feel that perhaps that means I am supposed to re-organize the entire world for the sake of social justice (closets of fear.. get it?), but this is not a challenge! Passion requires effort, as well as talent and love. Now that I think about it, families, and love, and friendships, all require this as well. But most of all, open ears.

PS> I want hayley's blog address!!!!!