DC, You Make Me Horrible

Along the same lines as my last post, DC has made me a horrible person. Not only do I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to convince myself that what I am doing right now in life is justified, as opposed to using that energy to say, oh do something fun, Washington DC has made me terribly judgmental. There is a marked difference in my demeanor since moving back here a little over a year ago. I am wound much tighter, to be sure, but there is something about the city that breeds judgment.

I have always believed that judging people is a primary reason for why, as some people say, the world craps on you. If we were all more accepting, then we would be much happier, and have a lot more friends. Judging other people does absolutely nothing but bring that negativity into your own countenance and emotional landscape. I was never a judgmental child – I was the one who befriended the outcast and could never understand what people did not like about them.

But, as stated, DC is a Type A Town, and as I fought to maintain satisfaction with my Type D goals, a bit of the world crept in. High school is a more discriminate time, and my high school was a particular school. All-girls, Catholic, and wealthy, if anybody was not quite as feminine, or athletic, or wealthy, or even Catholic, you were just wrong. Somehow, by being judged, it made it okay for me to judge others. And somehow, by being judged, I felt like I should be doing such to others to find what little was left of my own self esteem.

Not that that is okay at all, in any way. And Annapolis made it a lot better. There is a lot less judging on appearances at St. John’s – which is the judging I was used to. But unfortunately, a lot more quickfire opinions – which I was not used to. This judging of opinions lowered my intellectual self esteem to a stupid degree that I apparently still struggle with. But it did help me lose some of the DC appearance judgment. So I became a St. John’s grad, living in Annapolis- I had learned not to judge either on opinion or on appearance.

And then I moved back to DC. And here I am a year later, finding myself judging others on their appearances again. This judgment includes judging myself just as harshly, though, and that is not pleasant. And I of course judge others on opinions as well because it is a political town and judgment flows in the streets like water. My judging found itself at a place where I was judging someone else who was judging someone else yesterday at the corner of Connecticut Ave! If I have any hope of redeeming myself – and liking anybody ever again (including myself) – I think I need to leave.

That being said, dear friends, I am friends with you because I got to know you at a time when I did not live in DC. So I have never judged you. Nor will I, because judging people I actually LIKE is useless. So live without fear of the wrath of my inane Washingtonian influence!