June 26

I sit at this frayed desk and pray to the unseen god-of-my calender to grant me patience and ease. Every monring I preside over my schedule and my to-do list like a warring emperror, determined to conquor each line, to appropriately integrate and schedule every minute. I am winning the great battle over free time and dangling errands.

When asked how I want to be remembered when I die at a high school retreat - strike that, the question was what was our greatest fear - anyway, my answer was that my greatest fear is that I will die without being interesting. What I meant was that I would be an old woman forgotten. Now I believe my answer would relate to love and joy - that I will live my life unable to sufficiently communicate my love for my family and friends to the point where they have lived without knowing the great scope of my love, and that my joy will not be seen.

Having done research into joy, I am more and more convinced that it is one of the reasons we are alive, that it is an energy force that we are ultimately moving towards when we try to improve the world. Knowing this, having figured out exactly what I must do to be joyful, what owuld I be worth as a human if I could not achieve it? These worries are groundless for now, as I know I love with all my heart and I live in ajoy that effects every moment. I only hope to depeen, strengthen, and to expand these experiences so I am truly living my potential and ensuring other's joys as well.