Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Thinness, Happiness, and Value

Here are a few articles, and the conversation it spawned in my head:

This one is from my new fav site social workout on the things women say to each other: http://www.socialworkout.com/2010/03/29/conversations-women-have

This one is about lifestyle design and why it doesn’t always work: http://www.nunomad.com/blog/how-lifestyle-design-could-make-you-really-unhappy-5-ways-to-design-a-happier-life/.

What they have in common is something I have been thinking about the last few weeks- which have been torturous and therefore I have not been blogging because, really, who wants to hear me complain? That’s right, nobody, not even me. The thinking that has been thinking relates to the future – to the thoughts that “I will be truly happy after these ten pounds are gone” or “if I just sell this car everything will be perfect”. The elusive happiness of goal achievement that DOES NOT EXIST!

I am not going to write a post on WHY it does not exist, since we have done that already, nor am I going to rant on the sickness of a capitalist society that has convinced us that HAVING or LOSING WEIGHT or some other CONCRETE goal is going to fix all of our problems for us. I find it interesting that we, according to the nunomad’s sited studies, return to our average level of happiness. I believe this to be true in my own life – to an extent. I am much, much happier now in my life than, say, as a teenager, or, as a depressed child, and even than when I was in college. But this has to do with balancing my life out, with a focus on psychological and physical health. So perhaps our true level of happiness can only be really measured as long as everything else is functioning well? That does not make sense because so much of happiness is measured purely BY how well everything is measured. Hmm…

I wrote in my journal a few days ago the phrase “you determine your own value”, which is an interesting thought. I am utterly sick of the concepts in my head of “oh if only my arms were more toned I would be more comfortable” or, “if I could save x amount of dollars I wouldn’t be stressed about money anymore”. I have this memory of living in Seattle and coveting the clothes around me when I worked at J.Crew and thinking quite tangibly that “if only I had that sweater and those shoes I would feel better about myself”. I, of course, lost THAT bet with myself, crashed, and burned, and consequently got rid of most of my wardrobe several months later.

How and when did I get convinced that losing weight would make me happy? I realized the other day that I have distinct memories from being 11 years old and thinking how nice my legs looked in a skirt, and from being 12 years old and thinking “if my legs only looked like THAT than I would be more comfortable and happier”. That means I have been thinking for 12 FUCKING YEARS that if I was just a little bit thinner, life would be better.

Now, this isn’t to say that I am NOT, in fact, more comfortable with less fat on my body (oddly – I have always been focused on the comfort of thinness, not the appearance – summertime is easier when your legs don’t chafe, or your arm-fat doesn’t produce extra sweat), but I am happier because I feel STRONGER and healthier, not thinner. I actually weigh significantly more now than when I was at my largest. But isn’t there something totally disgusting about desiring something relatively unnecessary and somewhat self-destructive for TWELVE years? And I am not the only one!

Anyway, combine this with the conversation I had with my good friend G on our LONG and wonderful sunny hike on Saturday that, for part of the long conversation, settled on the concept of health. In the struggle to combat obesity (what does that even mean – how can we FIGHT obesity, like we are raging a WAR against people’s thoughts and habits? How strange!) we have put an undue focus on THINNESS, as opposed to health. I mean – nobody would say that Michelle Obama is SUPER SKINNY but everyone would agree that she is SUPER FIT. Her focus is not on being tiny but on being healthy. And THIS is what we need to push. Not weight LOSS, but body management.

And the result from these thoughts is that happiness really is the result of coming to terms, of refusing to be anxious (worrying about something that does not exist) about money, or weight, or love, or whatever. However, I also read an article that shows how abstract thinking about a goal improves our self-control and motivation. Proof: I am much more likely to go for a run if I focus on the goal of a marathon than if I focus on the fact that I have to put on my shoes and actually MOVE for a period of time (fact: this worked last night). Proof: I am much more likely to save my $$ and NOT buy candy when I focus on the trip to Paris and a) how every $ counts and b) how every calorie counts, than if I focus on how hungry and low-energy I am (fact: this worked last week, I bought peanuts instead which were cheaper and better for me).

I am starting a thorough search into myself on the concepts of what truly makes me happy, and why, and what are my long-term happiness goals. Just for curiosities sake.

Proof: I determine my own value. It is my life. Sorry about the caps guys, I am a bit yelly today. Blame it on the moon.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

In an effort to figure out what to do with my life:

Things I have learned to do:

walk
Run
Eat
Move with coordination
Draw
Write
Read
Speak English
Climb
Put things away
Manners
Morals
Religion
Grammar
Recognition of the beauty of things
Playing instruments
Playing sports
Science – physics, biology
Growing things
Making things
Painting
Drawing
Making friends
Fighting
Singing
Driving a car
Taking care of people
Taking care of pets
Cooking
Nutrition
Health
Bill payment
Money management
Organizing
Filing
Stress reduction
Having fun
Playing cards
Playing pool
Swimming
Milking a cow
Feeding chickens
Gathering eggs
Riding a horse
Hammering a nail
Using a table saw
Washing dishes
Cleaning surfaces
Laundry
How to do experiments
Sewing
Self-motivation
Love
Change a habit
Make goals
Make choices
Be spontaneous
Hike
Pitch a tent
Build a fire
Dig a latrine
Kill bugs
Live with bugs
Walk a dog
Change fish water
Ride a bike
Ride rollerblades and skates
Be quiet
Indulge
Go to bed on time
Write letters
Make gifts
Follow dreams
Enjoy music
Read greek
Spanish
Translate some French
Translate some german
Understand modern art
Sculpt clay
Take photos
Love history
Outline
Take notes
bake

Things I do to make me happy:

Organize and clean
Cook
Play with plants
Find a dog
Call a friend
Go for a walk
Make tea
Sit and watch people
Write about it
Make goals/plan
Make lists
Go outside
Do a bunch of pushups

Social acclaim!

Hey guys - remember that feral challenge on social workout I mentioned before?
I finished it finally the other day and when I went to go peruse the site today I saw they did a write up on me ! ON ME!!!! Applauding my finishing!! !YAY!!!!! here is what they wrote:
Early on Monday morning, March 1st, after a weekend of lousy sleep, she dragged herself out of bed and put on her running shoes. She had promised herself to complete not just The Feralicious, but also a "Monster Month Of Early Runs." So, out she went, and the first few blocks "were a measure of will." At least it was a sunny day in Washington D.C., and, as she passed the Washington Monument, she came upon a flock of ducks happily eating their breakfast. It was one of those lovely moments that change your day, and from the Monument she picked up the pace and flew home. She's been flying ever since. Say hello and give it up for Annelies, another D.C. Feralizer, who today knocked off her 20th workout, and who has also completed nine feats. Yes, our leaders are beginning to cross the finish line, and, make no mistake, we all win a little with each crossing. Wherever you are out there — mid dip, pullup, or stride — imagine yourself gliding by the Washington Monument early on a Monday morning, and set your eyes like a flying feral duck on that finish line.

on 03.24.10 at 08:55 by Oliver | 2 Comments
syrupandhoney said "

great job! this is a tough challenge!
" More comments...



talk about motivation!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Quick shift

While this is not a repeat of last week’s total hell, it’s not shaping up to be ideal either. The weekend was awesome and just what I needed. The week started out great – super productive day and a half, and then downhill it went!

Monday evening I came home, went grocery shopping, cooked (carrot soup, roasted potatoes, steamed veggies, and awesome turkey meatballs as well as prepared crepe mix for the morning), cleaned up my closet and made a huge mess of my room in the process, and photographed more clothes for e-bay. Tuesday morning I woke up early and worked out, and cleaned up the big mess in my room, as well as made crepe’s for the week’s breakfasts.

And that’s about it. Yesterday I got sidelined by the disorganization of the family I am currently babysitting for, and lost an hour and a half of time. While I cooked zucchini pancakes which were pretty tasty, they weren’t perfect, and I ended up staying awake to watch a movie with the roommate which was much needed and I don’t regret. However, the staying up caused a very tired me at 6 am that intended to go to work early so I could run, a training run I could NOT get out of doing because the marathon is in three weeks and I hadn’t run since my 17miler, which was a failed run in the first place. I got to work sniveling and coughing (allergies? Not sure – everyone I know who has allergies is MISERABLE, and while I had allergies in high school I have not been bothered with them since I started eating well and running in college), dehydrated since I left my water bottle at M’s, and convinced that the coffee I bought on Monday MUST be decaf. So I opted out of the run (FAIL) and got coffee at the bux and did a crossword and contemplated what I will talk about in my next post (stay tuned!).

So far today: I caught my finger in my chair, the copier became disconnected causing much frustration, the scanner keeps scanning a page wrong causing much frustration, I am still half asleep, and the people in the other office are annoying the living H out of me (the darling assistant, who really is super sweet, keeps pronouncing the word “Associates”, which is part of the firm’s name that she has to say about 300 times a day no joke as “Assoshiates” instead of pronouncing the C and it’s driving me nuts. The firm’s partner keeps NOT turning the kitchen light off and drinks enough diet coke to keep a small country on a sugar high, as well as plods around mimicking to a T a one former freshman year roommate. Not fun.) probably mostly because I’m tired.

Fortunately, It is eleven o’clock. The boss is leaving early to go to the gym so I will cut out early too and get in a run before I babysit. I have decided to set an alarm on my outlook that pops up every hour reminding me to take a break, whence I take a walk to the powder room and pump out one set of 20 pushups and 20 dips (yesterday) or 50 crunches on the bench (today) and the plan is to rotate days of focus, so daily I will do either 140 pushups and dips, or 350 crunches in a manageable way that actually helps me focus (right, like reading new yorker stories online needs focus). I think I just need more coffee.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Ok.. update?

I have been babysitting after work which has completely screwed up my schedule, and therefore I am tired, cranky, anxious, hungry, and out of sync. Therefore, no blogging.

Not much new – I spent an ungodly amount on a detail for the car, and found out I need new front tires (not happy). I ran 17 miles in the sun on Sat. because I ate a snack too quickly at mile 11 and got sick and couldn’t finish the other three. I went to Sandy Point and walked around for HOURS in the sun on Sunday, and M cut his hair – which is so weird. I was a bit nervous at first, but unfortunately I just can’t keep my eyes off of him because he is just so EFFING handsome. This is a problem. I mean, it makes driving hard.

It is rainy, Netinyahu is holed up in the hotel across from my office so there are snipers pointing out the windows at me (no joke) when I go to the post office. I want a dog so badly I considered moving (I won’t, don’t worry). I freaked out about not having plans, sold some things on e-bay, did NOT run, or work out (my abs are NOT happy – they need some love), but I DID cook a lot of meals that teenage girls loved, so that’s awesome. Also, there is a huge light for me today because I get to go grocery shopping. So. Excited.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

This Week has been an epic

FAIL so far. BIG TIME. Work has sucked. I'm exhausted and hungry. nothing works.

but this morning, when it was at its EPIC WORST i decided its not fair and i would do all i could to stop it. I decided to treat myself well. And when I went to robeks because thats what i wanted to do before work, i smiled at the lady who made my smoothie and exchanged a few pleasant words and everything seemed okay again.

until of course, i got in to work.

but hey - i'll take small glories any day.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

So happy!

A certain person is back from the west and brought the sun!!!

I walk down the street today and people want to know what I'm taking :-)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Getting busy

... selling things, taking on odd jobs. I feel my heart rate increase because I actually have things to do for once.

Thought I would like it more than I think I do.
26 days and counting!

Friday, March 12, 2010

I ate M&M’s for breakfast.

Yesterday I did not run, which I did really want to do, because I did not plan it out well. Also I started coughing instead of sneezing. I did, however, get to the Giant and bought a SHIT TON of fruits and veggies – like, a cantaloupe and a pineapple and frozen peas and frozen brussel sprouts and a whole bag of kale – that will last me for WEEKS all chopped up into fruit salads and succotash meddlies, which is all I’ve wanted to eat for the past two weeks anyway. That made me happy. I love vegetables.

I made kale chips, which I usually don’t like but actually loved last night, and watched grey’s anatomy and did literally 200 squats – hate squats – and small leg circles and stuff which feels really good now. And I woke up at 3 am and it was raining and today it smells all wet like growing things and makes me super happy. I am planning on eating more veggies and watching more television tonight while I do about 300 crunches and curls and weight exercises because it just feels so good. Heaven.

I realized that my life sounds like a high school boy’s nightmare. Think about it: lots of veggies, working out in front of bad girly TV alone. It certainly sounds like my high school self’s nightmare.

How much is too much information?

I have been struggling with this idea recently –
Half of the books and theories I read on lifestyle design maintain that any person who go to be really successful read constantly, utilized all of their time, every second. They listened to podcasts when they were walking, read on the metro, had NPR on in the shower. There was not a minute when they were not absorbing information.

The rest of the theories I read say that we are ingesting too much information, that we cannot possibly retain any of it, and it is relatively useless to us to know random facts about things anyway. What we should be doing is quieting ourselves in order to more fully KNOW what we already do, in order to digest and create new knowledge for ourselves.

I fall somewhere in between. As a habit I like to pack my day with information – I do listen to podcasts when I run and walk to work, I read books on the metro and blogs at work, and my image of luxury is sitting at a cafĂ© all day reading Lapham’s Quarterly and newspapers. I read at the bar. I don’t, however, read in my leisure time. I watch bad TV.
But I do find it necessary to take breaks. There will be weeks at a time when I don’t pick up a periodical or my ipod, but instead listen to things. I find them both necessary. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time either way – wasting the sounds and colors I would notice when I have my ipod plugged in and a book in my hands, and sometimes I am wasting valuable time to acquire knowledge when I sit and stare around. Perhaps it is another element of being present – either way works as long as you are taking advantage of what you are doing.

This pertains also to my blog. I have gone back and forth over whether I share too much here (which doesn’t really matter in the long run since none of it is information I would ever keep secret anyway). Comparing mine to others, as an experiment, since it is relatively pointless, I share a whole darn lot about myself. Many other people make a point to keep the information they share about themselves on their blogs to a minimum; one friend shares only pictures, another anecdotes, and others have completely erased their blogs due to fear of sharing too much. I, however, put it all out there. I tell you what I’m stressed about, what I’m elated about – all of my pet peeves and small joys are out there for people to read. I try not to share things like the details of my running routes, or where I will be at a particular moment due to the fact that this would leave me very vulnerable to attackers and/or stalkers (sad truth), but the deep parts of me are right here. My mother has even praised me for the depth to which I reveal myself on this space.

Is this too much? I love this part of me- that I have grown strong enough to be open about pretty much anything. I pride myself on the fact that I will answer any question you ask as long as it does not violate my trust with other people. I want to be known because I want to know all of you like this. I love the details about people – it makes the world fascinating. The more human you are to me, the more I love you. When I feel my friends are too distant in their lifestyles, I begin to resent them. But when I hear their quiet quirks I love their friendships even more. So I treat you the way I want you to treat me, by sharing.

And I guess some people would find me at a particularly vulnerable spot by my methods. However, I feel that this gives me my strength, as I have nothing to be maliciously revealed about myself, few ways for people to misunderstand me and take it back out at me, no way for anybody to think I am threatening them. Never underestimate the power of humility.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Holy exhaustion batman!

Holy exhaustion batman!
Needless to say, Yesterday I was tired. Let’s see – not eating enough, check! Long spiritually overwhelming weekend- check! An amount of miles run in two days that is pretty darned close to the amount run all last week – check! I was so tired that I called the boy THREE TIMES last night because every time I did anything it didn’t register and I felt like I hadn’t even said hello. I even left my keys in the door. I tripped about seven times.

So, I grabbed spaghetti-o’s and fritos at the CVS, went home, watched television, rambled around the co-op because I had no food left and really needed some milk and the checkout guy DEFINITELY thought I was high except that all I bought was milk and dried fruit, and went back to watch another show before passing out at 9 pm. And then I woke up at Five am. Again. I think I’m just going to start actually getting out of bed at 5 to make use of all this free time.

But, considering how exhausted I am, I decided I would relax this morning and take this afternoon off from running and instead, power out the weights and the yoga. I AM SO EXCITED! Like for serious, I miss my weights. I will totally catch up on all those crunches and lunges. Already counting down the 150 pushups due today. SWEET!

However, all I want right now is a fruit cup and a latte and a sweet publication like Lapham’s Quarterly to drool over in front of some enormous and humbling structure. Also, I want this: https://www.ezsubscription.com/lq/pr-box_and_bi.aspx for my birthday. LIKE MAD!

I just got lunch and decided I had to rave about this. I am IN LOVE with the sweet potato chip/cracker made by a company called “food should taste good” sold at au bon pain across the street. I have tried to replicate it to MANY failed evenings. I hate sweet potatoes. But I love these chips. That’s all.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Maine, runs, BA

Man, yesterday sucked. And not in an everything-is-going-wrong-I-want-to-cry type of way, but in a Why-am-I-wasting-my-time-at-this-job, Even-my-boss-doesn’t-want-to-be-here-why-won’t-he-just-decide-what-he-wants-me-to-do-with-this-project type of way. And I realized I have about 150 pushups, 200 crunches, 70 pull-ups, 50-dips, and 150 squats to complete for this challenge since I did none of those this weekend.

But the weather was so beautiful… finally spring is here! The birds have been calling it for a week now, but when your coat is too much and you don’t’ need tights anymore, that’s the real kicker. YAY! So in celebration I went for a run after work. Oh wait.. let’s backtrack.

Friday I had to go for my long run since I was leaving for Maine at 6am the next day and there would be no place for me to run along the way. So I calculated a ten mile route around downtown and set out after work. Running up the two mile hill of embassy row, I decided there was no way this route was 10 miles, it is too easy. So I run down Mass Ave through Georgetown, flying so fast, and have completely made up my mind that it was not ten miles. So I decide, I can skip the half mile around the Capital building since this feels like a six mile anyway and I’m really anxious to get up to Annapolis. I get inside, hear my time, and check on the interwubs, and it turns out I ran 8 miles. At lightening speed. WOAH!

No sore legs on Saturday, and there must be some kind of magic going on because I landed approximately 20 handstands throughout the day on Saturday, mostly at gas stations. Handstands are my ultimate-awesome move – they are SUPER hard for me, especially with no wall. BUT I DID THEM ANYWAY!! The nine and a half hour drive up was a dream – and I saw both sunrise AND sunset with my boy. We jammed to NPR and music, ate candy, drank a lot of coffee, and landed in York Beach Maine around 3:30 to drop off the boat. And then we walked around the most beautiful beach EVER. The smell of the place was heaven - soft sea air mixed with wood fires, hardcore surfers in the 32 degree waves, stones streaked with colors I have never seen before. AWESOME!

We stayed in a half-sketch hotel and found some food and drank a glass of wine before passing out, having spent the entire day planning the bars we will start and where we will live. The sun was so bright in the morning- so so bright! And we went to another beach and went for a walk and a scramble up some rocks. I turned into 8-year-old me and searched for shells, and found STARFISH! Little ones! One was a live, but I took two dead ones home. AWESOME! The live one only had four legs – he was clearly a super badass starfish.

The drive back was awesome too – I drove from Connecticut downward and we VERY narrowly avoided disaster when some dude spun out in front of us on the highway. That was scary. We made it back for dinner and fell FAST asleep.

So that brings me to yesterday. When I had the distinctive feeling that I was just WASTING my time. I DID NOT want to be at work. But the day went quickly and I took a walk in the middle of it and that was fine. The boy bought the paris tickets so this thing is really really happening - !!!! - So I decided to reward myself with a run. I thought I would run that awesome route again and see how it felt, and since it was a long route I would just divide it in half and run the 5 miles – I was scheduled for 4 so that’s not bad. So I start out and once I get to the 5 mile point I realize how GREAT I’m feeling and just keep going. That’s right. I accidentally ran 10 miles. In a time I never thought possible – 100 minutes! That’s right again -10 ten minute miles. Dude I’m awesome!

Got home and showered, ate, watched TV, forced myself to bed at a reasonable time even though I did not feel tired. That’s why I prefer running in the morning – it wakes me up so much. Woke up at 5AM This morning – HELLO EARLY RISER! And came into work for an easy 3 mile recovery run, which, according to my doorman at work, was not so leisurely. Apparently I ran 8 minute miles? Dude. What’s going on – I’m like, let’s-wake-up-early-and-kick-ass all of a sudden. Now I just have to sell the EFFING car and all will be well.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Womanhood

A friend of mine recently asked a bunch of her women friends to answer this question for her – “What does it feel like to be a woman?”. It is a remarkable question and one that opens a dialogue that is rare and rife with difficult moments and acknowledgements. I am sharing with you my reply in my spirit of utter disclosure and search for the commonality and difference in being:

The first time I felt like a woman I was running around Green Lake in Seattle. At the time I was having a difficulty finishing the three miles, but persisted anyway, and was swept away entirely by my own actions – here I was, thousands of miles from where I grew up in Maryland, moving my legs forward, feeling pain, feeling the air blow by me. So many other people were doing the same, but in my own movements I was creating my own experience, I was becoming. Looking back, it is an interesting experience because of all that I was NOT aware of at the time – I was at the beginning of what my psychologist would later call a “Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Breakdown”, I was living off the generosity of two male friends in a tiny apartment with no privacy, I was about to lose my job because of said breakdown, and I had the beginnings of what would develop into the worst case of mononucleosis my school nurse had seen. I was a total and complete wreck, psychologically and physically, yet I felt a feeling that for the first I associated with womanhood, and it was powerful enough of a feeling that I remember it clearly and often.

In the proceeding years it has indeed been in these small moments of disaster that I have felt most like a woman. Let me explain – in my “fight or flight” moment, I fight. I manage chaos, I grow lucid at the minute of lost control. These experiences of “getting a handle on”, of “putting my ducks in a row”, of seeing my own power over my reactions to uncontainable life occurrences, THAT is when I feel like a woman. The second I decide to shape my own actions towards improving life’s disasters, is the only moment when I have true responsibility. It is that minute instant when I birth myself, when I contain within me all the lessons my parents taught me, all the intuition I have inherited, all the possibility of new life and growth. It is the abdication of life to the unseen chances, and the acknowledgement of accountability towards the future, a blend of utter control and modest resignation.

I cannot ever compare womanhood to manhood. Not only is the latter an experience I will never achieve, but it is pointless to try the comparison. One cannot be without the other, and therefore they are integral in the world experience of life. You cannot COMPARE one thing to something else when each is a part of each other and a part of a larger whole simultaneously. We as women have a gift of harboring growth and creation and feeling the expansion of a psyche. While this is utterly integral to the development of womanhood and individuals in their own growth INTO community, the only aspect of it that I feel in MY OWN womanhood is its potential. My future as a mother, my possible pregnancies have an influence more in my individual relationships than in my being as an individual, I think. I do not take care of children, or bandage a scraped knee, or cook food, or love plants, because I have the ability to carry a child in my future. In fact, my boyfriend does many of those much better than I do, and he loves doing it just as much.

My womanhood is neither burden nor strength, it is not a gift or a punishment, it is a fact. It is unchangeable, it is something I enjoy and delight in, and it is something I am grateful for in that I delight in and am grateful for life itself. I have had a cyst removed from a breast – a very frightening experience for a 20 year old – which was benign. I was told it was caused by an over-production of estrogen, and in fact I have been told that this over-production has caused several other health situations I have experienced. I find this thoroughly amusing, as I can make jokes like “I am too much woman for my own body”, etc. But is it just estrogen that creates a woman? That can’t be, as the list of traits that have defined womanhood over the course of society’s development trades places with those supposedly caused by the male testosterone more frequently than nail polish colors. One decade a woman is supposed to be mild and a homebody, and the next women claim that it is our independence and ability to dominate that make us true women. The argument of pre-historic roles as the delineator for “supposed” archetypes is invalid, as we have no clue as to what that would have been, just guesses by anthropologists.

I have no statement in here about feeling beautiful, or looking a certain way. Appearance does not make me feel like a woman. Appearance makes me feel accepted by others, or desired, sure, but not like a woman. When I run really fast or bend in yoga or throw around a five year old, I feel like a woman. Womanhood is my relationship to life, to humanity. When I love my boyfriend, when I hug my mother, when I speak to my girlfriends, when I laugh with my brother, I feel like a woman. When I feel alive, I feel like a woman.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Because I should

The run yesterday never happened. I got home and it was dark. And mostly, THERE WERE ANTS IN MY BATHROOM!! As any of you know if you’ve been reading this from last summer, I HATE ANTS! AND THEY DON’T BELONG IN MY BATHROOM!! They were on the walls, in my tub, on my soap dish. I promptly scoured the place with both ant spray to kill the bitches, and then bleach to get rid of anything on the surface they could be attracted to. Rest assured, my landlord will hear about this.

Then I went to the co-op, drooled over their organic lotions and masks, avoided a few of the younger workers staring at me oddly because I was wearing sweatpants, my rain boots, and a pretty formal coat, and went home and did my taxes. Somehow I end up owing Maryland more than I am getting back from the feds. Whatevs – as long as I don’t get jailed.

So, no run. BU THE ANTS RETURNED THIS MORNING. But they were aimless. No conversations around the soap dish today! I laughed. So sad. They will be gone.

So, that switch I was talking about relating to my dedication – yeah, definitely turned on. Simply the level of alertness I woke up with yesterday tipped me off to it. Waking up at six am has always been a theoretical ideal in my head – just enough time to eat breakfast and drink coffee and read the paper/blogs not-too-quickly and still get in something super productive before work/school. However, when it’s not a habit, it is super difficult to get into. I woke up at six am all through high school, and thinking about it, I have risen that early at all of the times in my life that I have been most productive and most proud of what I was doing. It was never hard, even when I would get to sleep at 2 am in high school. However, in college this ended, actually sophomore year of college it ended. Febbie spring and summer I was still an early riser. Was it the booze? Was it the… hell, I don’t know. I bet it was the booze.

So I think it’s back now – is it too early to call? Getting to work early today was not hard at all. The run was so easy I thought about adding a few miles, and then thought better of it for these reasons: a) I didn’t run yesterday because of tight shins b) I don’t have ALL THAT MUCH time before I’m supposed to start work – or at least, until my boss is used to me starting work and c) I decided I could buy myself a latte as a treat and that would take even more time. But it was easy! Some middle-aged dude in an outfit that eerily matched mine and who was clearly a seasoned runner judging by his legs, paced me for about a mile. That felt great. I’m already looking forward to tomorrow’s run, and Saturday’s ten miler. I haven’t looked forward to back-to-back runs since I was sick-in-the-head in junior year. And then I got mono, so that proves nothing.

Part of this is that I re-found the website socialworkout.com. I joined what they are calling ‘the feralicious challenge’, which gives you guidelines for the month of march to do things like 1,000 push-ups, 1,000 crunches, 20 all-natural meals, 6 hours of outdoor activities, etc. in order to get back to your “wild” nature and show how simple this life can be – no machines, a few group classes, outsideness, and raw veggies. It’s not extraordinary and a lot of it has to do with your own base level. However, it does allow you to post daily and keep up your tracking, and everyone can see it. I apparently do well when I challenge “myself” in comparison to other people. The math breaks down to about 33 push-ups, tricep dips, crunches, and lunges a day, and today I have no time so I am finding time to do them at every bathroom break (so my boss doesn’t worry, or think I’m any less intelligent than he already thinks I am), which is finding me drinking a hella lot more water. I’ve already downed 1.5 liters and It’s not even noon. A few other changes I’m seeing is my aversion to any coffee not made in a French press, and it’s taking me hours to finish a latte. I’ve also taken up drinking more milk (a latte a day keeps the blues away!) to up my vitamin D intake like the doctor told me to. Also I’ve been drinking green tea. Maybe at some point in my life I will transition to green tea with milk for breakfast and avoid all the extra packaging I’m throwing away. Or not.

I am quite pleased that this trigger has been pulled, although it brings up another question. I have a habit of becoming pretty dedicated about things I have decided I “should” do, with no regards to whether I enjoy it, as part of the decision has to do with a firm belief that if I do it enough I will enjoy it. There are pretty hilarious stories floating out there of things like when I got it into my head that I should eat more seaweed, and sat at the Touchstones lunch table making myself gag with every bite, while my co-workers sat laughing at me. I squealed that if I just ate it enough my body would stop rejecting it. I don’t eat seaweed anymore.

Another similar story is in high school I stopped drinking soda, and in college I went two semesters eating a salad every day. All of this because I should do it. Needless to say the amount of books I have read because I should read them. Running has been like that – running because I should, with the occasional runs that I thoroughly enjoy and the deep seeded knowledge that there is something about it I can’t leave alone, that a part of me thoroughly needs the running. However, nothing had clicked and I was disappointed at how difficult and how averse to getting outside I was, especially when reading other people’s accounts, and hearing about people who “caught the bug”. I wanted the bug! I wanted to be badass!

Serious question here - does anybody else do things 'just because they should'? And if you do, do you end up loving it? I wouldn't go back to drinking soda if I had to (partially because of my deadly fear of aspartame). If I try hard enough, I can blame my attendance at St. John's on my life predilection for the "should's".

So I guess it doesn’t really matter if I have the bug, or if I should run or not. I am deeply enjoying running my few “miles in the bank” every morning. Maybe I will get really intense and start running 60 mile weeks and go for a 50K race later, or maybe I will stop long distance running after the marathon like I planned. I am feeling more alert and stronger, I am liking myself more, now that I feel what consistency is like. And that counts for a lot.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Yoga

I woke up this morning with super tight shins, and since it was cold and rainy I decided to take advantage of my mother’s treadmill… later in the day. However, I did not sloth in bed, instead I got up at 6 and did a nice set of yoga moves – I won’t say I actually had a practice, because I decided to watch a show I missed (because I went to bed early) on hulu while doing my asanas. GREAT BREAKTHROUGH though – I got up unassisted into pincha mayurasana/forearm stand for a full four seconds for the first time – this was without the wall, I say for emphasis. I looked kind of like this:




I AM SUPER HAPPY. I am getting ever closer to an unsupported handstand, and while my back has terribly lost its bendiness, and my hamstrings tightened to such a short distance its amazing I don’t tear them by walking up stairs, my strength training has clearly supported some of the other asanas I had little time to focus on before.

One step closer to teacher training!
And I know that doing a pose like this does not make me a better yogi, nor does it make me a potential better teacher, and I'm not supposed to be entirely focused on the asanas, but whatever. I'm pleased.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Running Update

So I am not going to post anything about how well my morning runs are going because I don’t want to jinx it. I’ve been doing a lot of poking around the runnersworld forum and found a lady with a similar problem I have going forward towards the marathon, in that she is also running the paris marathon and got sick for two and a half weeks recently and is now facing her first marathon with truncated training. The replies are varied and interesting, ranging from “go ahead and alter your training plan, if its your first one and you have no time goal than it won’t be a problem” to “why would you run any marathon unless you were hitting all the training one hundred percent all the time”.

This of course led to forum topics about the widely controversial issue of the secularization of marathons – anybody can do it if they train, and often even if they don’t train very well, and many “serious” runners are quite upset about this. The “serious” runners’ viewpoint is that if you can’t qualify for Boston, you aren’t running fast enough, and therefore aren’t even running the race, simply finishing it.

The truth is, most people like that truly are simply just trying to finish it. Me, for example. Many of these more … committed? Experienced? Devoted?... runners are upset that people like me will be able to label themselves in the same group even though I have yet to run a sub-eight minute mile. And I totally understand. I was counting on some pretty committed training and regular hellish workouts when I decided to run a marathon, and somehow that just didn’t happen, I blame my singularity. I feel I am totally open to finding a group to train with and really trying to freakin RUN a marathon…. In a year or so. For now I am perfectly content to re-vamp my schedule and try to finish.

So on the revamping, I have decided that the focus for this week is CONSISTENCY, which is something I should have focused on a long time ago – and maybe I did focus on it but failed. I went to bed last night with a thought I don’t remember ever having before, which was “if you stay up watching this show, you will be waking up tired tomorrow”. It is the putting my finger on the sacrifice that I have not connecting specifically to running before. I mean, in high school my relationship with working out was twisted, and in college it was taken for granted that I would be tired all the time. But in the past two years I have really come to understand how important sleep is to my body, and to my personality, and sacrificing SLEEP, precious recovery time, has proved impossible. If I have been tired at all, I will sleep in. But not today. Today I sacrificed. Thank god.

So this week I am ramping up my mileage to focus on consistency, and this weekend I will attempt a long run. Next week I will switch gears and go on fewer but longer runs, as the newbie training plans recommend. This will happen for the remaining weeks, and I hope to run a 15 on the 13th/14th, and back down to a 11/12 on the 20/21st, with a goal to peak up around an 18/20 mile run on the 28th as a practice run – same time, same clothes, same food. I believe this is reasonable, as that little gear in my head has FINALLY clicked and I find the commitment I have been searching for. It is this click that I have been waiting to hear for the past SIX MONTHS that I was relying upon. Oops…!

I am remaining consistent with strength training, working in some more yoga, and taking a ten minute walk break at lunch which helps break up the day (otherwise, I am sitting in my desk for LITERALLY 8 hours but for a 30 foot walk to the kitchen or bathroom).

So much for not blogging about my specific running plans….

Monday, March 1, 2010

This weekend, as a tumult of life-markers, left me in a strange state. ..

..It was as if with the rare event of my crying on Friday, I had leaked out a state of attention that left me removed from the world for several days. The world just kept turning, and turned passed me it seemed. I had three separate meals with a pair of friends over the course of 24 hours, journeyed to an old college town, saw the full moon, had walks that strengthened and reminded me of every detail of my love, and played poker that reminded me why I don’t bet. And all of this fell flat of the richness and sensory layers my weekends usually hold. Today it is all back – colors are again dramatic and bright, odors present and sounds perhaps too loud.

This morning I began to feel my future – to sense the onslaught of marriage, parenthood, career, adventure, that waits for me in a few years. Palpable, these screen shots of my life to come are no longer frightening or endemic of anxiety. Instead they are as real as memories, full of emotion and experiences that I have yet to feel in order to recall. Is this the physical feeling of growing up?

Besides this extreme reversal from not-feeling-the-present-at-all, to over-feeling-the-future, I have come upon a new understanding of the pure beauty and fundamental sexiness of CONFIDENCE. I have known its importance, and even experienced it before. But this new knowledge is deep. I feel like I can see the confidence in walkers on the street as a synesthete smells sounds. Is this the awareness of auras?

Confidence has always been a problem for me, but that is changing. This is directly linked with my capabilities, my faith in myself. My pride, however, has never been an issue. My sense of deserving, my awareness of my strength, and my ownership of my own accomplishments have been elements I have clung to in order to get me through my life. I am wary of my future self, however, in that I desire so much and demand a vast presence from this person. I am spending my time in a job that makes me feel small, after spending my college years in classes that made me feel miniscule. My physical awareness of my body is growing, but hardly huge. It is this element of confidence – the knowledge that your abilities exist truly, beyond potential, and beyond past proof, that I am slowly acquiring. I was taught to change the brakes on a car this weekend, I woke up at six and ran like the wind this morning. I have friends whose company brings color to my world. I have a guitar I will one day be able to play for a child, a sewing machine I will quilt a blanket for my future baby. I was given the project of re-building a car engine, and I have found epic physical challenges to test my endurance and movement. Again – is this the physical feeling of growing up?

This weekend – the incredible push and indelible awe of the constancy of life

I attended the funeral of the mother of a good friend from high school on Friday. And when I say this was a hard thing to do, I mean perhaps so hard that it has changed my worldview a few percentage points. This friend consistently impresses me with her strength and originality, and the details of her life are as rich and remarkable as only one in a dreamt life could be, except she and her life are real, and I am inspired by it. Hearing her talk about watching her mother die, and watching her hold together the entire service and reception, while knowing that parents had dated since they were twelve and had the kind of love that fairy tales are written about, my core was rattled. I could make no decisions for hours, I could not even prioritize when to eat, when to sleep, what to do, who to talk to. I cried for the ride up to Annapolis because, when it comes down to it, what else was there to do but run for safety, except cower in my bed at home. I cried when seeing the effluvium of happiness of the family I walked into, and I cried when I realized the beauty of it all.

The next day I attended a baby shower for a friend who literally radiated peace and sparkles with joy. A room of fifty women and coordinated plates-balloons-cupcakes-doilies- and two hours of pink frilly baby dresses where wholly overwhelming, and I left with more than a gentle ringing in my head that I have SO MUCH TIME before I am ready for a child. And Sunday I went to the birthday party for a pair of five year olds I used to babysit, and sat watching their gymnastics with a friend, chatting about life and love and running.

The world goes on, and on, and never stops – as I grow I am more in awes of humanity. It seems in a way that, since tragedy occurs so commonly, since parents of good people die and siblings have heart attacks regularly, perhaps it is not so difficult. Yet as you experience some of this the question is turned from the observation of the mundane into one of extreme strength, perhaps instead, as humans, we are just that powerful? It is truly a shake in the face of the fact that our physical bodies are so weak that our spirits can withstand, endure, and rise above death to experience the radiance of new life and energy. We can wake up one morning and instead of crying over our parents’ passing, we can see in our friends the gifts they have left for us to observe.